


Dragon Age (Season 1)

by Nudeviking



Series: Dragon Age [1]
Category: Dragon Age: Origins
Genre: Bigass Sword, Brodude, F/F, Wrecking House, ownage
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-07
Updated: 2016-01-07
Packaged: 2018-05-05 11:03:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 22
Words: 34,469
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5372960
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nudeviking/pseuds/Nudeviking
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Odette Corvette & Friends chopfuck the shit out of darkspawns and learn about life and love.  If you like lesbian heroes and big ass swords and cool-ass dogs named Doug then maybe you will like this shit mang, but if you like severe haircuts and wizard shit?  Maybe you'll hate this shit.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Dragon Age - S01E01 - Howe's a Scumfuck

Odette and Doug the Dog were soooooo pissed off at that scumbag Howe Arl or Jarl or Carl or whatever. She had known he was a scumfuck from the very moment she met him. To think that he had been her father's banner man made his betrayal all the worse.

There was fire and bad guys with bows and it sucked. She'd been totally sleeping in her bra when they'd attacked, but had time to get dressed before they opened the door.  The elf woman in her bed, Iona, had not been so fortunate.  Odette would never know her touch again and it was a small miracle that she and Doug the Dog were able to best Howe's shitty soldiers before they could do any more.

Had it been less than five hours since Howe Arl had been trying to arrange a marriage between Odette and one of his sons? Ew...the thought was disgusting. Odette skullsmashed a guy with a bow as Doug the Dog ripped the throat out of another. Odette would have bet the pantry keeper would have loved to have a warhound lurking in the pantry now, but quickly she found herself wondering if the woman was still alive. Sure the pantry keeper was annoying, but she'd not wish death by traitorous bastard upon her.

"My daughter you live?!" a voice cried out, and Odette turned to see her mother, bow in hand standing at the end of the hall.

"Mom! Are you alright?" Odette called out.

"A woman of Highever knows how to take care of herself my dear Odette. I might be grey of hair, but I can still shoot a bow like no one's business."

"Cool. Mom, these douchebags are Howe's men...what the shit is going on?"

"Howe's a scumfuck and has betrayed your father."

"Shit!  Dad!  I totally forgot about that guy!  Where is he?"

"I'm not sure. Let's go find him."

"What about my bro and his shitty kid and wife?"

"Let's look for them too!"

"Okay! Let's move it!"

Odette and her mom and Doug the Dog set off to find her dad and bother and sister-in-law and dumb kid who didn't know how to pronounce the word "sword," but each step of the way they were waylaid by traitorous Howe scumfucks. At one point, Odette's mom was like, "We should get some kind of Corvette family sword out of the armory.  If Howe gets that it's all done!"

So Odette fought her way into the armory to get the sword and shield of her ancestors. With that ancestral sword she could kill all kinds of scumbags.

At the front gates of the castle, Odette found Brodude Guardsman, "Oh Odette, Mrs. Corvette, you're both alright...thank the Maker. Your dad was headed for the pantry."

"What about the Grey Warden?" Odette asked.

Brodude Guardsman grimaced, "I'm not sure where the warden is. You're still not considering joining him are you?"

"Maybe I am Sir Guardsman, but this is neither the time nor place to decide such. Those scumfucks are going to make another attempt to break the gates," Odette said.

"We will hold the gate milady," Brodude Guardsman said, "Go find your father and escape so that the Corvettes of Highever might live.

Odette and her mom rushed to the pantry where they found Lord Corvette bleeding all over the place.

"Shit! Dad are you okay?" Odette asked.

"My sweet Odette, I fear it is too late for your old dad...take your mom and get out of here. Go to Ostguard and find your bro and tell him what happened here."

At that moment the Grey Warden who had arrived earlier that afternoon entered the pantry.

"Duncan," Lord Corvette said, "Please help my wife and daughter escape from them place."

"I will do this, but I wish to train your daughter to become a Grey Warden."

"Odette?"

"I'll do it. I'll be a Grey Warden. Please Duncan help me and my mom and Doug the Dog get out of this bullshit."

"Okay."

Odette's mom's eyes filled with tears, "Odette, you and Doug go with Duncan. My place is here with your father."

"Wait...what?! You're going to stay here and die? That's crazy Mom!" Odette shouted.

"Just go Odette..." her mother said.

"Mom...Dad...no...." Odette cried, as Duncan Grey Warden dragged her into some sort of tunnel that lead out from the pantry into the countryside. By the time she had emerged from the tunnel and looked back to see he home in flames she was quite certain her mother and father were both dead.

"You'll pay for this Howe you scumfuck douchelord..." Odette thought as she and Duncan trudged through the trudgemank on their way towards Ostguard and her new life as a Grey Warden...


	2. Dragon Age - S01E02 - A Touch of Grey

Odette and Duncan arrived in Ostguard several days later. She had not spoken more than two or three words to Duncan the entire trip, instead she spent her time being a broody teen girl who had just lost her fuckbuddy, her family, and her house to a scheming cockmonger like Carl Howe.

At Ostguard Ducan was all like, "Yo, you're going to turn into a Grey Warden soon with some other dudes. You should have a look around before that and meet the other recruits. I gotta go talk to some dudes about war. I'm taking Doug the Dog with me because he's hella chill alright? Come talk to me when you're done learning about what it means to be a Grey Warden."

Odette walked around Ostguard and talked to some dudes. She met some sleazy guy who wanted to be a Grey Warden and had two swords, a Dad who wanted to be a Grey Warden and had a big ass sword, and a guy named Brodude Heroman who was a Rookie Grey Warden. He started flirting with Odette almost from the get go, which pissed her off to no end.

"Dude I'm not even interested alright," she said, "Just tell me what you know about turning into a Grey Warden."

"I'm really not supposed to."

"Alright whatever. I'm going back to Duncan and telling him I'm ready to become a Grey Warden or whatever."

Back at Duncan's camp Odette told him she was ready to do what it took to be a Grey Warden. Apparently that involved collecting blood from four darkspawns and also finding some treaties in an old fort.

"So off you go," Duncan said, "I'm totally hanging on to this cool ass dog a little while longer though Odette."

"Whatever man. Come on guys let's get this over with."

The group of Odette, Brodude, Sleazy, and Dad headed off into the wilds to find blood and also some treaties. The blood was pretty easy to find because there were a bunch of darkspawns all over the place, but the treaties took a little while longer to find. Some of Odette's fellow recruits got knocked the fuck out by some darkspawn magicmans, but eventually they came to the old fort and found a chest, but it was totally empty.

There in the ruins, however, was a sexy as hell witch of the wilds. The dudes were all like, "Shit it's a witch and she's got our treaties! What the fuck?!"

But Odette was like, "Dudes calm the fuck down, she seems cool. Don't you guys like boobs?" She then addressed the witch, "Hi, I'm Odette and we were looking for the treaties that used to be in that chest. It had magic on it so it would be pretty hard to open unless one was a witch. Perhaps you know about it?"

"Yes. My mother, Flemith, has them. Since you were polite, I'll take you to where they are."

The witch took Odette and her crew back to her witch shack where they met Flemith, a witch of some renowned. Flemith gave the scrolls and was like, "My daughter, Sideboob, will take you back. Smell you later dudes."

Back at the camp, the crew met Duncan who was like, "Yo, time for a joining...aka drinking darkspawn blood out of a chug cup. Sleazy you're up first. Dad...you're on deck."

Sleazy chugged from the chug cup and got fucked over but good. Dude was totally dead. Dad saw this and freaked the fuck out, "Oh shit I gotta get outta here! I got a wife and kids...I'm not chugging out of a chug cup."

But Duncan was like, "The fuck you're not!"

And when Dad refused again Duncan just knifed him in the heart. Odette was like, "Man what a pansy. Gimme that chug cup!" and then chugged the whole cup like a champ. She saw a dragon and then woke up and Duncan was like, "Nice work! You're totally a Grey Warden now. Get some sleep. Tomorrow is the final battle of good vs. evil."


	3. Dragon Age - S01E03 - The Final Battle (For Duncan)

With Odette now totally a Grey Warden, and the other two candidates totally dead from the process, it was time to battle hordes of darkspawn. King Caleb was like, "Yo guys, Grey Wardens are the coolest, so I'm riding with them into battle okay? Isn't my armor fabulous?"

His armor was indeed pretty fabulous, but the greasy looking motherfucker who was King Caleb's military adviser was like, "Yo my king that's pretty shitty...you should probably not ride with them. They are going to be in the thick of it.  If you die, my daughter, aka your wife will be without a husband and that will be hella shitty for her."

But Caleb was like "Who's the king? I am! That means if I want to ride with the Grey Wardens in my fabulous battle armor I totally can and there's nothing you can do about it you greasy looking motherfucker. You just get the cavalry ready for a charge."

Duncan was then like, "Yup. The signal will be a fire in that signal tower over yonder. Brodude, you and Odette need to light that shit up."

Odette was like "Alright boss," but Brodude started whining about it. "It's not fair...any schulb can do that. We're Grey Wardens!"

Duncan grimaced and was like, "You're just rookies ones!  So just do it à la Nike alright?!"

"Alright boss!" Odette said again and then elbowed Brodude in the gut and he gave a half-hearted, "Alright boss," as well.

Duncan gave back Doug the Dog and then went off to do battle. Odette and Brodude meanwhile headed into a tower, only the tower was totally loaded with not-orcs and not-goblins. Some random wizard joined up with them and the four pack (which included Doug the Dog) made their way up the tower to where they would light a signal fire.

Many chump monsters were killed and then they came to the place where there was a signal fire to light. But there was a boss monster! Fortunately they totally killed that shit and then light that signal fire. What happened next was a disaster.

King Caleb got ripped in half by a big monster and Duncan tried to get revenge but he got wrecked like woah and then that greasy motherfucker was like, "Meh, let's get out of her cavalry and bailed, so everyone else died, and then some arrow monsters shot at Odette and Brodude and Doug the Dog and everything went black...

[ **Commercial Break!** ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Md_uz1dKMTM)

Odette came too in a bed somewhere else and saw a witch of the wilds' sideboob all up in her face.  Odette sat up and said, "Hey you're that witch with the sideboob from earlier.  What the F happened?  Where am I even?  How did I get here?"

The witch spoke, "My name is Sideboob, and you are in my house in the wilds...well, that's kind of a lie, it's actually my mom, Flemith's, house.  She was the one who through deus ex machina saved you from death at the hands of arrow monsters.  You and your buddy and your rather loathsome hound are all currently recuperating at our house at the behest of my mother, the aforementioned Flemith."

Odette was still confused and asked, "But how could your mom possibly save us?"

Sideboob shrugged, "Maybe she summoned giant eagles or did Nightcrawler-esque teleportation.  How can I truly know the unknowable?  Regardless, my mother wished to speak with you when you awoke, and I am quite certain that you will wish to speak with your companion as well, so please vacate my bed."

Odette stood and made her way out of the shack into the wilds.  It was all weird animal noises and swamp sounds.  Everything around her seemed to be decayed or decaying.  It smelled like rot.  She noticed  Brodude standing by the edge of a swamp looking all broody so she approached him and in a manner most cheery asked, "Hey mang what's crackalackin'?" but Brodude just sighed heavily and was like, "I can't believe he's dead...Duncan.  Man, he was totally awesome and now he's dead what will I do?!  What will we do?"

"Dude I know you feel shitty but I promise you it will get better.  I didn't tell you this but my mom and dad and all my friends got totally killed by some douchelord named Carl Howe before I joined the Wardens.  Why not do what I do?" Odette said.

"What's that?"

"Plot elaborate revenge plans against those who killed your loved ones," Odette replied.

"An elaborate revenge plan?!  Against the entire Blight?!"

Odette nodded, "Yeah, we're Grey Wardens.  Isn't that what we're supposed to do anyway?"

"But there's only two of us, how can we get revenge against an entire Blight?" Brodude asked in an annoyingly whiny manner.

"I dunno we've got these contracts and shit.  We can get wizards and dwarves and elves or something I suppose."

Brodude got excited, "And I know Earl Redcliffe!  I bet he'd help us too!"

"Yeah that dude," Odette replied, "See it won't bee too terrible."

"You're right!"

"Anyway that Flemith lady wanted to talk to me," Odette said, "Since we owe our lives to her I think talking to her is the least we can do."

Brodude agreed and together they walked to the opposite end of Flemith and Sideboob's Witch of the Wilds' Shack Swamp Island.  The two witches of the wilds were standing there looking all witchy and wild.  "I guess I should thank you first for saving us.  That was pretty rad of you.  Secondly I wanted to ask you why you did it.  You didn't really know either of us, but you saved us anyway.  Third of all I want to repay you somehow for your kindness and your whole 'saving us from goddamn arrow monsters' thing."

The older of the two witches of the wild was all like, "Yo it was my pleasure to save you.  I think you're going to be a pretty big deal in a 'the chosen one' sort of way, so I saved you.  You have great work yet to do, so I couldn't let a bunch of goddamn arrow monsters take you out like that.  As for repaying me?  Hmmm...when you leave to go on your quest you can take my daughter, Sideboob, with you."

"Mother!  Are you out of your mind?!" Sideboob shouted.

Flemith scowled at her daughter, "Quiet you.  There is nothing more I can teach you here.  You must go out into the world and learn more."

Sideboob pouted and was like, "Fine."

"These people will do great deeds my daughter, and if you assist them then perhaps people will no longer fear apostates and hunt them down and your old mother will be allowed to live in peace," Flemith said and then turning to Odette was like, "There is a town near here called, Smalltown, USA.  My daughter knows the way to travel there without being harassed by darkspawns and will take you there.  From there you must determine the best way to save the world, but on that I can offer no help, since I am no hero."

Odette looked at the old witch and felt a tinge of fear.  Though she had been helpful and rather polite, Odette could not help but feel uneasy.  "I don't think I'm really a hero either."

The old witch just grinned and said, "Oh but you are my dear...but you are.  Whether you believe it or not, you are the hero of what is to come...else we are all, to a person, doomed."


	4. Dragon Age - S01E04 - Smalltown, USA

Odette Corvette, Doug the Dog, Brodude Heroman, and Sideboob McWitch traveled to Smalltown, USA. Flemith had been correct and her daughter, Sideboob, had been able to lead them through the wilds without getting attacked by darkspawns or barbarians of bears or anything like that. Smalltown, USA seemed like a pretty alright place to stock up on supplies and decide what to do next, but as they approached the town it became clear that things were not in a good way. There were some jakey bums loitering on the bridge into town and as Odette and her party approached the bums stood up and the lead jakey bum was all like, "Oi there's a bridge toll or something...you gotta pay the price."

Odette noticed that they had bigass hammers and shitty daggers and stuff and from their shifty eyes and scummy demeanor she could tell they were not actually toll collectors. Her hand dropped to the handle of her ancestral sword and she was like, "Fuck you mang! Do you think I'm a total moron? You guys are fucking banditos not toll collectors. So just let us pass and we won't sword chop the fuck out of you."

The lead jakey bum replied, "Sorry mang, that ain't gonna happen and if anyone is sword chopping the fuck out of anyone it will be us, sword chopping the fuck out of you with our bigass hammers."

Odette laughed at the jakey bum, "Dude you sound like a fucking idiot. 'Sword chopping the fuck out of you with our bigass hammers?' You can't sword chop with a hammer you idiot. You could skull crush or bashinate with a hammer or use the more generic phrase wreck house, but sword chop? You don't have any swords, but I do..." and with that Odette drew her sword and slashed and chopped the ever-loving shit out of the jakey bums. Blood and guts went everywhere like New Year's confetti. One jakey bum went down with a severed spleen and another got burniated by Sideboob. Doug the Dog, for his part, bit a dude's manjunk in half with a mighty chomp. The jakey bums were soon a corpse heap and Odette and her friends entered town.

Inside Smalltown, USA things really weren't any better.  There were refugees all over the place and shifty merchants price gouging people who had little coin to spare.  As they entered the town Brodude Heroman was all like, "We should probably go to Recliff(e) first.  I know Earl Redcliff(e) so he should be able to help us out.  Anyway thanks for showing us the way Sideboob, you can pretty much fuck off now."

"Dude!  That's not cool.  She's got some wizard shit going on that might prove useful.  Besides have you seen the side of her boob?  That shit is awesome!" Odette said, "I know I want her to stay, that is if you're willing to Sideboob."

"I believe I shall for the time being at least, provided your companion remains civil and your hound ceases sniffing at my nether regions," Sideboob declared.  

Doug the Dog let out a whine and Brodude pouted, but he said, "Oh fine...I guess the vile apostate can stay with us if she wants.  I'll try not to act like a Templar to her.  Anyway, let's see what we can find out here."

  **[Commercial Break!](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1JEbnWl8iz0)**

Inside Smalltown, USA proper, Odette saw a nun trying to get some shifty merchant to sell his wares at lower prices since everyone in Smalltown, USA was a goddamn refugee, but the merchant was a scumbag.  Odette stepped up and was like, "Dude, just sell this shit at a reasonable price or take your show on the road.  You're not going to get more money elsewhere so you might as well sell your shit here then take your chances out on the roads with banditos and shit and sell it for the same amount in Midtown, USA or wherever."

The merchant was like, "Whatever mang, fuck you I'm outta here," and packed up his shit and hit the bricks.  The nun who had been trying to buy grain or blankets or something turned to Odette and was like, "What the fuck?  Now our people will have nothing to eat and no blankets to cuddle with.  Good job you fucking moron!" and then stalked off.  Odette dusted off her hands and declared mission accomplished.  Sideboob smirked at her, but Brodude looked at her as if he was about to cry.

Odette ignored Brodude Heroman's look of disgust and declared, "Dispute mediation is thirsty business!  Let's head to the bar and get some brews alright?"

And so Odette, Sideboob, Doug the Dog and Brodude headed to the bar, only as soon as they entered they were confronted by some sort of jerkoff Logain forces.  "Hey mang you are some of those scumfuck Grey Wardens from Ostguard.  You lamers totally killed King Caleb and betrayed Feldspar.  The Grey Wardens are outlawed now.  You guys are coming with us!"

But Odette was like, "Mang....that is total bullshit and you know it!  Time to die jerkoffs!"

A serious battle broke out and Odette and her party battled Logain's forces.  "Okay!  Okay we yield!" one of the jerkoffs shouted pretty quickly.  Odette scoffed and was like, "Time to die scumbags!" but a redheaded nun was like, "Hey, you beat the shit out of these jokers already, they're just chumps why not let them go?  Maybe send them with a warning to this Logain douchebag?"

Odette was not certain if it was because she found the redheaded nun's accent so attractive or liked the way she looked in that nun habit, but she soon found herself acquiescing.  "Alright you cockmongers!  You go back to Logain and tell 'im I'm coming!  [AND HELL'S COMING WITH ME!!!](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ynKoZD-sFi4)"

The jokers from Logain's forces hit the bricks and ran off and the redheaded nun was all like, "You guys fight assholes really well.  I am most impressed by your fighting prowess.  Can I join your team?  My name is Leliana and the Maker told me I'm supposed to go with you and stop this goddamn Blight."

Odette blinked.  Could she possibly have the good fortune to have such an attractive woman join her posse?  Sure, Sideboob was nice to look at, but she was clearly straight and thus would want nothing to do with Odette.  This Leliana on the other hand clearly like ladyfolk.  Odette smiled and said to the redheaded nun, "That's pretty insane that the Maker is talking to you, but I like the cut of your jib nonetheless and would enjoy having you accompany me on this zany adventure," and thus Leliana joined the party and Brodude Heroman was quickly benched, much to his chagrin.

"Dudes this is so unfair and totally lame!  I'm a way better warrior than Doug the Dog ever will be!" Brodude complained as Odette sold off all her excess armors and weapons and then she, Leliana, Sideboob and Doug the Dog made their way out of the tavern/hotel/item shop and over towards the Chantry.

"Stuff it Brodude!  We've got important things to do and want nothing to do with you!" Odette shouted back.

In the Chantry's front yard there was a madman screaming some shit about demons coming to town.  Odette was already sick of his shit and was like, "Yo dude, you're scaring the children.  If you don't knock it the fuck off I will chopfuck the shit out of you right here with this sweetass long sword...ya dig?"

The madman was like, "For reals dude I am warning you, there are demons coming.  I'm going to get the shit out of here before it's too late!"  The madman then hit the bricks and fled into the hinterlands or something...anyway it was away from wherever it was that he thought demons were going to come into Smalltown, USA from.  Odette dusted off her hands: another problem solved, and headed into the Chantry proper.  There Odette was going to ask about maybe getting some armies to fight the Blight, but it became clear that people there were really in a bad way.  The Main Nun told Odette about wolves and banditos in the hinterlands haranguing refugees and asked if she could save the day.  Odette feeling rather helpful told her that she would stop those goddamn wolves and banditos and head out of the Chantry.

As she made her way across the town square, a small boychild came up to her and in a dumb accent was like, "Hullo me mum went to go get help but didn't come back yet.  Can you help me find me mum?  She's wearing a green cape yeah?"  Odette felt bad for the small boychild who reminded her of her dumbass nephew and agreed to help him look for his mom as well.

"Ladies, it looks like we're off to the hinterlands to battle banditos and wolves and find a boychild's 'mum,'" as Odette said the word "mum," she did air quotes with her fingers, "Anyway come on we don't have much time.  It's going to be dark soon and Brodude will get cranky if we're not back to have dinner with him."

As they made their way out of town into the hinterlands they found a brown guy with cornrows in a jail.  He looked tough like maybe he was a half-not-orc, but he said he was a "Qunari, or something."  Odette had never heard of "Qunari or something," but asked why he was in jail.  The "Qunari or something," replied in a robot voice, "Because I killed somebodies.  The Main Nun put me in here."

"Well, you look hella tough," Odette replied, "Maybe I can take you with me to go fight the Blight.  Wait here I'll go talk to the Main Nun of the Chantry."

"It is physically impossible for me to go anywhere else," the "Quanri or something," said in a detached manner.

**[Commercial Break!](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C6KOlC393lo) **

"I suppose if you want a murderous 'Qunari or something,' to help on your quest to save the world I can't stop you.  We shall see if it is within the Maker's will to let that fiend live or not," the Main Nun of the Chantry said, "Anyway here's the key.  Just be careful with him.  Dude totally killed a bunch of kids or whatever."  She handed Odette a key to the "Qunari or something's" cage and bid the crew a fond farewell.

Together with Leliana, Sideboob, and Doug the Dog, Odette strolled back to the cage and unlocked the door.  The Qunari or something stepped out and was all like, "Thank you for getting me out of that cage.  I am in your debt.  My name is Sven Cornrows and I am a Qunari or something.  My class is warrior."

"Shit...another warrior?  I've got too many of you cats already.  Besides I just sold all the extra gear we had, so you're pretty much benched dude.  Sorry about that," Odette said, "You can go chill out with Brodude back at camp.  He's an alright guy if a tad annoying.  Anyway, we've got banditos and wolves to punch.  Smell you later Sven."

"Smell you later Odette," Sven replied and then jogged away towards camp.

The ladies and Doug the Dog ventured into the hinterlands and punched some banditos and some wolves.  The banditos dropped some armor loots and the wolves apparently had eaten that kid's mom.  Odette felt a little sorry for the poor kid.  With all her tasks thoroughly punched in the face, Odette headed back to town to inform people of her victories.  She told people at the Chantry she'd bested banditos and wolves and told a small boychild that wolves had totally eaten his mom's face before realizing that she'd spent more than enough time in Smalltown, USA.  The Main Nun at the Chantry wanted her to stay and become the Hero of Smalltown, USA, but Odette was like, "I'd love to, but this Blight isn't going to stop itself.  I've got to go to Redcliff(e)...unless of course you've got some armies in the back there and you've been holding out on me."

"No, no armies."

"Then I've got to go.  Sorry about that.  Smell ya later Main Nun."

"Smell ya later Odette Corvette."

 The party of heroes made their way out of Smalltown, USA, but as they left the tiny town behind them they were ambushed by not-orcs and not-goblins on a bridge.  Odette and her ladies (and Doug the Dog) fought like goddamn berserkers and killed the shit out of the not-orcs and not-goblins and in the process a quantity of two (2) dwarfs were saved.  Odette invited them to come along, but the lead dwarf was like, "You guys seem too hardcore for us. Good luck out there homes!"  So Odette and her posse left the dwarfs behind.

That night at camp, after having confirmed that Sideboob McWitch did not prefer the company of women, Odette put the make on Leliana Le Nun and learned that she was a bard in addition to being a nun!  Leliana told Odette some story about a warrior lady from across the sea who was raised by elves.  After flirting heroically with the French nun/bard and asking her if her "fruit was forbidden," Odette made an amazing discovery...those bridge dwarfs were totally hanging out in her camp!  She could not bring herself to ask them why they lied and followed her even though some ten (10) minutes earlier they had said they would not, so she instead had them enchant some weapons and sold them some crap axes she didn't need anymore.


	5. Dragon Age - S01E05 - Redcliff(e)

The next morning the party headed out to Redcliff(e) Village.  Brodude Heroman and Sven Cornrows were on the bench, though as soon as Odette arrived in town and people asked about Brodude Heroman she found herself wishing she'd taken him with her since she had totally forgotten that Redcliff(e) was his hometown.  The story went a little something like this.  Every night at sunset a heap of zombies poured out of Redcliff(e) Castle to wreck house on the townspeople.  There were rumors that the Earl Redcliff(e) was knocked the fuck out and that a demon was responsible, but no one could get into the castle to check.  So every night zombes came to town and fuck shit up.  This night, perhaps things would be different, as Odette offered her assistance.  What followed was pretty much an episode of Walking Dead.  There was approximately forty (40) minutes of boring talking about feelings and then five (5) minutes of totally awesome zombie ownage. 

She had to talk to Smiddy the Smith about making some weapons for the zombie invasion, but Smiddy was all drunk and shit because his daughter was trapped in the castle or something, and wouldn't let Odette in, so Odette kicked down the door and busted into Smiddy's smithy.  Smiddy was pretty pissed off, but Odette was able to coerce him to make weapons by promising to bust into the castle and look for her.  After talking to Smiddy, Odette went up a hill to a windmill and talked to a dude named Lord Bann of the One Braid.  He was a knight of the code and had a plan to beat the shit out of the zombies.  It was a good plan and as soon as Odette agreed to it, random solider men were like, "OH NO!  IT'S ZOMBIES!!! WE'RE FUCKED!!!" and zombies were on the attack.  Together with Odette, Sideboob McWitch and Doug the Dog owned some zombies hard.  Leliana did not own zombies so hard since she got knocked the fuck out a few minutes into the zombie invasion, but it didn't matter since Sideboob and Doug the Dog were able to wreck so much house by themselves.

After the zombie attack there was a _Star Wars: A New Hope_ style awards ceremony where Odette and her companions were rewarded for their heroic heroics.  Also there was a brief announcement that apparently the mayor of the town died, but Odette was unsure when that had actually happened, or if it was because of her actions...or if the mayor could have been possibly saved.  Whatever the case was, his voice was gruff for like three lines of dialogue and then just a regular voice.  Odette wasn't really sad that he was dead, though he did have a pretty sweet mustache.

That night as she laid in a bed in the inn, Odette thought about shit.  Why are there zombies in the castle?  Was it really a demon or did the King of Redcliff(e) just have an STD?  Was that drunk blacksmith's daughter okay and would he forgive Odette for kicking in his door?  Slowly she drifted off to sleep.

**[Commercial Break!](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PUrudD4Db5c) **

The morning after besting a zombie horde and being awarded (maybe with cash and items...maybe just with words) Odette and her gal pals (and Doug the Dog) went up by the mill to meet Lord Bann of the One Braid.  Lord Bann of the One Braid had hatched some plan to go into Redcliff(e) Castle and see what was up.  It was a pretty good plan that involved sneaking into the castle via a secret tunnel.  "It will be great!"  Lord Bann of the One Braid exclaimed, "I got this key to a secret tunnel in the windmill you can sneak through.  Once inside you can open a gate and let in Sir Knight and The Knights and they will help you wreck house on whatever demons are lurking there within."

Odette readily agreed to the plan, and Lord Bann of the One Braid gave her a key, but right as she was about to set out to kick some more zombie ass, some lady rushed up to the mill and was all like, "Lord Bann of the One Braid...something something something...Connor...something something something....demon...something something...blood mage...something something...poisoned my husband...something...BUT CONNOR!!!"  Lord Bann of the One Braid, like a total chump, agreed to go with the lady and like Lando and Nien Nunb in _Return of the Jedi_ , buy Odette and her friends some time to disable the shield or something.  So off Bann of the One Braid went.

Odette and company, meanwhile, sneaked into the castle and sworded some zombie warriors.  A few steps into the basement of the castle proper later Odette found some shitty mage in a prison cell.  He was a bloodmage or something and poisoned the king and worked for Odette's second most hated (and Brodude's most hated) foeman, Logain, but Odette, thought that perhaps like Sven Cornrows this bloodmage dude would join her party so she let him out of prison.  Unfortunately, John, the bloodmage, was like, "I don't want to put myself in harms way, but I want to help...but helping is hard!"  Odette instantaneously regretted letting the guy out, but Leliana Le Nun appeared to grow fonder of Odette for her actions so it was not entirely a wash.  
  
With a poisoner who may have also summoned a demon released from his prison cell, the party was now really on its way.  More zombies were all up in their area.  It was some tight quarters fighting, and thus poor Redhead Le Nun was stuck using knives instead of a bow.  Everything died pretty good and Doug the Dog got some kind of warpaint that changed his color from "TAN" to "KINDA REDDISH."  With a now Kinda Reddish Doug the Dog, the party made their way to the front gate and pretty easily let in Sir Knight and The Knights (the best doo-wop combo of 1954).  Sir Knight was like, "You want to explore this castle some more or go do plot?"  
  
"Let's do plot!" Odette replied.

 **[Commercial Break!](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HdcuWccWkl0)**  
  
Odette strolled into the throne room with Sir Knight and the Knights like a total boss to find Lord Bann of the One Braid re-enacting the climax of _Breakin' II: Electric Boogaloo_ while some shitty kid with a too demon voice that Odette could only assume was Connor bellowed douchebaggy things.  The demonic boy, was all like, "Lord Bann of the One Braid!!!!  I CHOOSE YOU!!" and a battle erupted and Odette pounded Lord Bann of the One Braid's face in with a shield and a Doug the Dog.  The shield/warhound to the dome freed Lord Bann of the One Braid from compulsion or whatever had happened to him and it was discovered that during the battle, the vile demon, Connor, had fled the scene.  
  
At precisely that moment John the Bloodmage showed up and was like, "Sup guys..."  
  
Connor's mom was pretty furious and even Lord Bann of the One Braid was like, "For shame Odette why would you let such a dastardly fellow free from his cell?"  
  
Odette shrugged and was like, "Uh...I thought he could help with the demon problem."  
  
"Oh that makes sense," replied Lord Bann of the One Braid.  
  
"BUT CONNOR!!!!" wailed Connor's Mom.  
  
The Lord Bann of the One Braid was all like, "Shut it woman! This is totes your fault anyway!  What the F were you thinking?  Bringing a bloodmage into the castle for crying out loud..."

The assembled group of people discussed what could be done to stop the demon from running roughshod on Redcliff(e) and the choices pretty much boiled down to kill a kid or go into "The Fade" to slay a demon.  "The Fade" seemed like a less terrible thing to do than killing a child, even one as irksome as Connor, so Odette was like, "Let's do the Fade one," but apparently the only way to do that was to use Blood Magic and kill someone else to send a wizard into the Fade.  The "BUT CONNOR!!!!" Lady was like, "Yo, you guys can totally kill me if it will save my Connor."  So that was the decision that was decided upon.

Sideboob McWitch went into The Fade rather begrudgingly and turned into a bear and killed a Titty Demon.  Afterwards everyone, including Brodude Heroman, who wasn't even with there, got angry, but the day was more or less saved.  The rest of the castle was looted and the party returned to town to complete quests.  Odette told the drunk blacksmith that they hadn't seen any sign of his lost daughter in the castle and he buried his head in his hands and sadly declared, "The smiddy is closed..."

But not all were sad in the village of Redcliff(e). Odette gave some sort of flowers to Leliana Le Nun who was like, "Ma mere used to put these flowers in her clothes.  Honhonhon...mes amis.  I am Gambit of de X-Men...honhonhon."  Because of these flowers, she became quite fond of Odette.  Sideboob McWitch, on the other hand, pretty much hated Odette.  If Odette did something heroic she was pissed off.  If Odette discussed killing a child she was pissed off. The only time Sideboob McWitch wasn't pissed off was when Odette was like, "It's pretty boss that you can turn into a bear and crush-a-nate Titty Demons. Can you teach me how? No? Too bad."  
  
Meanwhile in some other castle....

SHIT! IT'S THAT FUCK, LOGAIN!!!  He was chilling with some kind of middle aged guy and a elf in a skirt with a suave Antonio Banderas voice.  These two unsavory characters told Logain about their plot to kill the last of the Grey Wardens while Logain drank something yellow out of a chug cup.  The audience shouted, "Eww...was that piss?  I can't believe Logain drinks piss!  That so gross!  Wait a second...last of the Grey Wardens?  Shit!  That's Odette and Brodude Heroman!  We gotta warn them!"


	6. Dragon Age - S01E06 - The Stone Prisoner

Ambushed! It was a Maker-be-damned ambush! Odette should have known better than to trust a shifty looking lady screaming about banditos just up ahead. Fortunately Doug the Dog and Sideboob McWitch hated banditos as much as, if not more than, Odette and the would be highwaymen were dispatched rather quickly. There was an "Ohhhh..." of recognition as the studio audience realized that that Antonio Banderas elf was in that party of banditos. The ambush was apparently more than a bungled attempt at robbery. It was a goddamn assassination attempt. From his position of lying on the ground half knocked the fuck out, the elf informed the party that his name was ZEV! and he had been hired by some pissdrinker in the capitol named Logain to kill the last of the Grey Wardens. Being one of the last Grey Wardens, Odette was none to pleased to hear this, but ZEV! was like, "Yo mang I'm as good as dead since I failed to kill you for my assassin crew...hows about I join you instead? My assassin team wouldn't stand a chance against you, and you would gain a suave, lovable rouge."

Odette agreed to take the fellow on, but Sideboob was not happy. Sideboob is never happy. With ZEV! now in tow the party made camp for the night. Brodude Heroman accosted Odette almost immediately, screaming about "HOW COULD YOU USE BLOOD MAGIC TO KILL THAT LADY?!?! WHAT WILL JARL AEMON THINK WHEN HE WAKES UP?!" Odette was all like, "Yo brah get off my jock! You would have killed a kid instead? Sure he was annoying but he was a goddamn kid and it was a motherfuckin' Titty Demon alright? We didn't have a lot of choice." Brodude was not too pleased about this response and was pretty curt the next time Odette spoke with him. "Whaddaya want?"

Odette fished a bauble out of her sack that she'd found in Redcliff(e) Castle and awkwardly handed it to Brodude, "Dude...I don't wanna fight. I found this trinket and or bauble in the Castle and thought you might like it." Brodude took the bauble and was like, "Yo man that was my dead mother's locket and or amulet. She gave it to me when I was living in the Castle, but I smashed it when that lady you killed with bloodmagic forced me out of the castle and sent me to an orphanage. I thought it lost forever...but I guess the Jarl fixed it."

Odette thought to herself, "Dude...you were just super pissed that I killed this lady that you yourself hate for sending you to an orphanage and forcing the Jarl, who, you alone are too dense to realize, is your dad or some shit, to stop visiting you? You're a moron Brodude," but not wanting to spoil the mood said nothing.

The next morning the party set out, stumbling upon the camp of a rather heroically lost merchant in the hinterlands. The merchant spoke of a golem in a small village to the south and for reasons not really explained all that greatly, gave Odette the remote control for the golem. The team then made a beeline for Golemville. The town, like most places visited by Odette, was utterly overrun by Shadowspawn and Darkfriends, but Odette and Leliana and Sideboob and Doug the Dog cleared them out and then discovered the golem in the town square. Unfortunately the remote control didn't work, so Odette and company set to work ransacking the town. While in the basement of one building stealing everything that was not nailed down, they discovered a group of townspeople being harassed by not-orcs and not-goblins.

After slaying the fiends Odette talked to one dude about the golem. The golem had killed his dad, but that wasn't important...what was important was the fact that his daughter had gone into his dad's "wizard dungeon" and hadn't come out yet. Odette offered to help but only if the dude told her how to make the golem thing work. Down in the wizard dungeon the heroes found the girl playing with a Talking Cat?! The a Talking Cat?! quickly revealed itself to be a vile Titty Demon who took control of the girl and made Odette kill a child. Oh how happy Brodude Heroman would have been if he had been there!

Odette told the guy his daughter was unfortunately dead, and he thanked her and told her the real password for the golem ("Swordfish"). Odette then left the creepy Titty Demon wizard dungeon and went back to try to revive the golem. The golem came to life but the remote control didn't work on him...he was totally stoked to have free will, but agreed to follow Odette. The golem liked being told he looked fabulous after Odette gave him some kind of crystals. Odette had had enough of the golem and was like, "Yo guys let's bounce." As the party left town and the golem stepped on a chicken because COMIC RELIEF!

That night in camp there was a touching episode between Odette and Leliana Le Nun.   Leliana told Odette about how she ended up in Feldspar instead of Orleans.  She had been a bard for some lady...and also that lady's lover but when she discovered her lover/boss was taking part in international espionage and confronted her lover/boss about it, her lover/boss forged some documents to make it look like Leliana was the traitor.  An execution was scheduled but Redhead escaped.  Odette was most sympathetic and then they talked about shoes.

The following morning while en route to the Forest of Basilica, home of the elves, the party was ambushed by mercenaries.  God what a pain in the dick that was.  The terrain was really shitty and Doug the Dog, Sideboob, and Leliana just randomly ran through a bunch of traps trying to get to some idiot on top of a hill and exploded.  Eventually the foes were bested and the dickbag on the hill told the party that he'd been sent to kill Leliana by a dude in Capitol City.

Leliana was like, "These scumfucks must have been sent by my former lovah."

Odette offered to help Leliana face her past and they set off again towards the forest of Basilica, but things were not quite so peaceful in the forest and upon their arrival a rather angry elf shouted at them, "WOAH HUMANS!! MOVE AND YOU DIE!"


	7. Dragon Age - S01E07 - Of Danes & Wolfmangs

Odette and company visited the Danish camp in the forest of Basilica.  The Danes who dwelt there were not particularly pleased to see Odette and her ladyfriends arrive uninvited and took them before the Great Dane, an elf who look like that bald guy from _Sex In The City_.  The Great Dane was a little less gungho about shooting arrows at Odette and told her that they were jumpy because of a recent problem with some wolfmangs that lived in the Basilica Forest and because of those wolfmangs he couldn't help fight the darkspawns.  

"But we've got this treaty!" Odette shouted.

"Sorry mang, until you can help us put a stop to these goddamned wolfmangs we can't do anything about the goddamn darkspawns," said the dude elf who looked like the dude with no hair from _Sex In The City_ , "There's a big ass magic wolf named Winterfang who is probably the one who caused these wolfmangs.  If you can kill Winterfang we won't have to worry about wolfmangs anymore."

Odette sighed and was like, "Fine...we'll go kill some wolfmangs for you. C'mon ladies...let's go take care of this crap."

As Odette started to leave she noticed a treasure chest behind the Great Dane's sidekick, Alyssa Milano but an Elf, and instructed Leliana to go steal whatever was inside, but Alyssa Milano but an Elf, yelled at her when Leliana tried to open the chest in question, "Stay the crap away from there!"  
  
Odette ignored the surly Dane and headed out to the Basilica Forest.  As they strolled, Leliana Le Nun and Sideboob McWitch bickered about the nature of God and Sideboob's cleavage.  For someone clad in a child's bib as a top, Sideboob was remarkably prudish about Leliana looking at and discussing her boobs.  Odette found herself wishing that Leliana would take an interest in her boobs instead of Sideboob's.  
  
Soon after arriving in the forest, a heaving wolfmang attacked the party.  His name was Quick Kick or Speed Racer or something, but he vanished before Odette and her companions could adequately chop him to bits.  A protracted chase happened in which they would battle wolfmangs and they would be like, "You'll never take us alive coppers!" and haul ass to some other part of the forest.  Ultimately an ent helped the crew force get into the wolfmang lair with a magic stick because Odette got his acorn back from a crazy hobo because RPG puzzles...  
  
"Maker be a poxmarked son of a submariner this place is a deathtrap!" Odette found herself thinking as she traveled through the wolfmang lair.

Inside the lair of the wolfmangs Odette and company killed (and were injured by) a dragon and some kind of Ancient Horror (which she guessed was the store-brand name for a lich) among other things.  Many loots were dropped and the party's bags were soon filled to bursting.  A few dozen trips back to camp to sell crap later Odette and company found themselves before some sort of Titty Nature Spirit who was chilling with the wolfmangs.  The Titty Nature Spirit was like, "Please don't hurt these wolfmangs yo.  They are just poor humans...that bald guy from Sex in the City put a curse on them because the ancestors of the wolfmangs were some scummy humans who did sex crimes on the bald guy's children.  It's not really fair that these wolfmangs are wolfmangs because of the sins of their ancestors is it?  Please bring that bald guy elf here to end the curse."  
  
Odette thought this was pretty reasonable and once more headed back to town, but as she went upstairs she found the Bald Guy right there in the wolfmang lair.  He was all like, "I can never forgive what they did!  Oh P.S. that Titty Nature Spirit is also the random wolf I said caused this curse and was having you hunt down," but Odette was just like, "Yo whatever dude, you can at least go talk to that Titty Nature Spirit...or gawk at her green boobs and creepy tree fingers," and the bald dude was just like, "Alright whatever, let's go."  
  
So some kind of conversation happened and it was pretty clear that everyone except Odette's party and the heaving wolfmang had to die to bring an end to the curse.  Bald Dude was like, "I'm not dying over this yo," and Odette was like, "Dude, I can't let you kill these wolfmangs!"  
  
There was a fight and the Bald Guy got roughed up and then was like, "Meh, I've lived long enough. Titty Spirit you ready? Let's end this curse!" The titty spirit and the bald guy then got taken to heaven or something and the wolfmang turned into "humans," and were like, "Alright I guess we're going to go get jobs as accountants or start a breakdance crew or something.  Peace out lesbian strike force and Doug the Dog."  
  
Back in the Danish camp, Alyssa Milano, but an Elf, had become the Great Dane.  She signed a contract and was like, "The Danes have got your back Grey Warden.  We just gotta get our gear ready and then we'll roll out."  Leliana Le Nun opened that chest that Alyssa Milano but an Elf yelled at her for trying to open the last time.  It was just a book.  Lame! A  codex probably got updated or something.  In the end, in spite playing an active role in killing the Bald Guy and saving the wolfmangs, Odette achieved some sort of "Sided With the Elfs!" Playstation achievement thing, so she had no idea what was even going on there.

That night in camp Leliana Le Nun complimented Odette's hair.  Odette thought her hair was honestly quite mediocre since it was just dark hair in three ponytails lacking even a single random braid, but the compliment was really quite nice and therefore Odette promised to head to Capitol City to find the people who want Leliana dead.

Meanwhile in Capitol City, Logain Pissdrinker was lounging in his field plate, as knights of the code are wont to do, when some sort of lady was like, "Dad you are the worst you know that?" indicating to the studio audience that she was his daughter.  Logain just shook his head at his daughter and did a Dad Sigh™ and obviously wished he had a steaming glass of fresh piss to drink.


	8. Dragon Age - S01E08 - "Why Are Those Two Poorly Rendered Ladies Humping Each Other?  What Kind of Game is This?!"

The road to Capitol City was fraught with trouble.  There were darkfiends and random elves who were like, "We're on your side Grey Warden!" but dying in such great numbers that if any Dane made it to the Final Battle against the Blight it would be a goddamn miracle.  Perhaps Odette would need to speak with Alyssa Milano But an Elf about maybe adopting some armor that did not reveal so many vital organs.  Truly, who would think a breastplate that revealed so much midriff would be of any use on the field of battle?  That being said, Odette did have to admit that Leliana Le Nun did look rather charming since she had taken to wearing Danish garb.  Odette tried to put those thoughts out of her mind she had a job to do.  Rumors of the Urn of McGuffin had led her to Capitol City in spite the bounty on her and Brodude Heroman's heads.  She glanced back and smiled at Brodude awkwardly as they entered the city.  Perhaps if they were discovered she could sell Brodude out and save her own hide, but she couldn't help but wish Doug the Dog had accompanied them instead.  God was Brodude annoying...did that guy ever shut up?  
  
Almost as soon as they had arrived in Capitol City, they were confronted by an angry knight who knew exactly who they were, though Odette had no idea how.  She certainly didn't recognize him, but she had kind of a thing with not really remembering faces.  Maybe he had visited her dad's castle...maybe he'd been at Ostaguard.  She couldn't really say, but she could tell the dude was one pissed off hombre.  

"You two are traitorous Grey Wardens!  I'll have your heads for Ostaguard!" the angry knight shouted angrily.  

Odette scoffed, "Pshaw!  It's that greasy motherfucker, Logain Pissdrinker who's the goddamn traitor, not us!  That dude is a total scumfuck who totally abandoned everyone to die at Ostaguard and then rode around spreading lies about the totally awesome Grey Wardens.  Logain can kiss my ass!"

The angry knight grew even angrier and demanded satisfaction after Odette spoke ill of Logain Pissdrinker and thus challenged her to a duel.  That was a mistake.  Odette, Leliana, and Sideboob laid into the guy and his bodyguards and since his life was on the line as well, even Brodude fought like his namesake heroman.  After killing that idiot knight Odette and company found the residence of Brother Italiano.  Once there the party met a nervous fellow named Winfeld or Winston or Weiland, Scott who told them that Brother Italiano had made his way for a town called Haven.  When Leliana tried to go into another room to loot more treasures, Weiland got angry and attacked!  He was quickly dispatched and in the other room Odette discovered a gruesome discovery: the real body of Weiland!  How she knew it was the real Weiland, she wasn't certain, but she knew.

[ **Commercial Break!** ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_pHrprTsMVc)

"Guys, I think we can all agree that we should definitely head to this Haven place and find Brother Italiano," Odette declared, "But not before looking into the matter of these stupid assassins who are gunning for Leliana.  We've got that address that one douchebag gave us, and it's not too far.  Let's go and check it out."

The address the lead assassin had given them took them to a rather unassuming house in the market district.  Inside they were attacked by Hammer Bros., but the Hammer Bros. were easy kills.  Opening the door that lead from the foyer to the main house, the party was met by Large Marge, Leliana's former paramour & boss/current nemesis.  The discussion went about as well as all conversations that involve a former paramour and a current paramour could be expected to go and declarations of "The entire country does not smell like wet dogs!" soon gave way to wizards shooting beams at each other and booby traps exploding.

"Man this is super awkward," Odette thought as she slammed a shield into her girlfriend's ex-girlfriend's face.  Soon enough the bonus Hammer Bros., the beam wizards, and Large Marge were all totally dead in pools of rapidly cooling blood.  Leliana was all like, "Wow this is weird...I need some time alone to think."

Odette nodded and was like, "I totally respect your need for alone time, but can you just pick these locks first hon?"

Leliana picked the locks and all the items that could be stolen were stolen.  "Man I wish I'd known what backpacks did...or that merchants had a limited supply of items when I was in Ostaguard," Odette thought as she willed a bottle of Tiger Balm out of existence to pick up a bow.  

"Alright dudes, I've had about enough of fighting random civilians to the death in Capital City," Odette declared, "Let's get the heck out of here.  We've got a big day a head of us tomorrow when we head to Haven in search of Brother Italiano and this Urn of McGuffin thing."

**[Commercial Break!](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qv5N53zp2dM) **

"I ALREADY TOLD YOU I WON'T TEACH YOU HOW TO BE A TEMPLAR!!" Brodude shouted, "STOP ASKING ME ALREADY!"

The party had made camp and Leliana still seemed like she had needed some alone time, so Odette had tried once more to convince Brodude to teach her about Templaring.  Needless to say it had not gone well.  A few hours later, Leliana still had not eaten, so Odette brought a bowl of stew over to the comely redhead and found her in the midst of an existential crisis.  

"You hadn't eaten, so I brought you some stew," Odette said, "It's pretty good I think. ZEV! made it and he's not a bad cook...better than Brodude at least."

Leliana took the bowl and stared at it for a moment before asking, "Am I some kind of monster?  I kind of liked killing Large Marge...  What if that becomes my shtick?  What if I start to enjoy killing people?"

"You're not a monster," Odette said attempting to comfort Leliana, "Large Marge was a terrible woman who treated you like shit and tried to murder the shit out of you on numerous occasions.  It's kind of natural for you to want her dead.  Besides I'm here now, and I'll make sure you never become too monstrous."

Leliana smiled and said, "Oh Odette, you are too kind.  I think...I think I love you.  Would you like to join me in my tent?"  Odette nodded and the two entered Leliana's tent and for the first time had poorly rendered lesbian sex.  

Elsewhere, very far away a very pregnant woman emerged from her bedroom and was like, "Oh my back hurts..."  The woman soon became aware of the game her husband was playing and watched as too poorly rendered ladies had lesbian sex in a tent.  "What the heck is this game?!"


	9. Dragon Age - S01E09 - Die Hand Die Verletzt

Odette could not help but think something weird was afoot in the village of Haven and Brodude Heroman's "witty" repartee was not helping at all.  Why had she allowed him to guilt her into taking him along in the first place?  "Remember when you killed my foster father's wife with blood magic?  The least you can do to make it up to me is let me help find the Urn of Sacred Ashes so we can heal him up!"  Oh how she missed Doug the Dog.

"Let's randomly go into that house over there!" Brodude shouted.

For reasons she still could not entirely understand, Odette listened to Brodude and randomly went into the random house.  It was a disaster!  Blood everywhere and only a couple chests of junk.  Sideboob was certain that the blood twas that of a human, but told Odette not to ask how she knew that it twas.  Outside a small boychild was all like, "My moms is a bitch yo!  She can't tell me what to do any more.  I'm totally going up to the mountain now!"  When Odette asked the boy about the mountain he was just like, "Whatever lady it's just cool as fuck up there...that's all."

The town was super weird, so Odette decided to visit the general store and see if they had backpacks for sale and then hit the bricks.  Perhaps the going to the Wizard Tower would be less creepy.  Inside the shop a weird guy was weird.  He didn't have backpacks, but he did attack the party when they tried to do the standard issue RPG thing of going into every room of a stranger's house or place of business to steal all the treasure.  Odette made short work of the guy using her giant axe and headed into the backroom the weird (and now very dead) dude did not want her snooping around in and discovered a dead knight of the code.  The dead knight of the code was wearing a t-shirt emblazoned with the words "Redcliffe Rules!" so Odette thought it fairly safe to assume he had come from Redcliffe.  Shit was getting weird Haven.

"Dudes let's get out of here before we end up in someone's backroom," Odette said.

"Good idea," everyone agreed.

Their planned escaped was cut short, however, because as soon as they stepped out of the shop they were set upon by cultists.  Heavy combat happened and Odette and company ended up fighting their way up a hill since there were some annoying cultist archers up there.  At the top of the hill was some manner of Chantery or Cathedral or whatever.  Odette wondered if Brother Italiano was inside so she kicked here way in.  An old dude and some kids were talking about Jesus and Odette was like, "Yo...fuck all y'alls where's Brother Italiano and the Urn at?!"

But the old dude was just like, "It's go time punk!"

GIANT AXED!!!!

With the old dude and the Jesus kids totally slaughtered on the floor of their church, Odette set about looting some sort of loots and in the process discovered a secret room.  As the party entered the room there was a cry of, "Hey a guys it's a me! A Brother Italiano!"  With Brother Italiano saved, though somewhat worse for wear (Sideboob was pretty certain he'd have to get his foot or feets chopped off) he was pretty gungho to go to some sort of ancient temple and find the urn.  The party trekked up into the temple and after they entered Brother Italiano pretty much lost his goddamn mind.  "It's a so beautiful this a temple! I needa to study these runes...go a finda the urn."

**[ Commercial Break! ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TzbUPfoveok) **

So the party set forth into the temple.  They were waylaid by cultists, ghosts, mini-dragons, one rhinoceros and that's it.  Backpacks were filled to bulging so many balms and leather boots were willed out of existence.  After many hours the party found themselves confronted by a beardo in stylish red armor with a killa-gorilla battle axe.  "Hello...you killed many of my mens...maybe you can make it up to you by doing something gross to an urn," the beardo said.

Odette weighed her options carefully, "If I agree this guy will probably let me pass unmolested, but Leliana Le Nun, in spite being a murderess and a huge lesbian, is pretty religious and will probably be pretty pissed off with me if I dump blood in an urn, moreover, I want that axe...."  She then bellowed at the beardo, "Fuck you dude...dumping blood on a holy relic is disgusting...I'm pretty sure even Sideboob would agree."

GIANT AXE!!!! vs SWEETASS GIANT AXE!!!!  GIANT AXE wins! Flawless victory...oh wait Brodude's all like, "That is the worst part," again... 

Odette sighed, "Dude you suck...you've used so many injury kits. Well at least you freed up an inventory space for this sweetass giant axe."

With a new sweetass giant axe strapped to her back Odette and company made their way out of the caves on to a mountain top.  Some sort of huge dragon screamed and flew overhead.  Brodude was like, "Yo mang, that dragon is high as fuck...we should definitely not mess with it!"

~~But Odette was like, "Nay dawg...we three gentlewomen have yet to fall in combat within these temple walls! Perhaps Andaste herself watches over us! To arms shieldsister and Brodude Heroman!"~~

~~Sideboob banged a gong and a fierce battle broke out in which the party quickly died. _Shit...load saved game...let's try again._ ~~

~~Sideboob banged a gong and a fierce battle broke out in which the party quickly died. _Shit...load saved game...let's try again._~~  
  
~~Sideboob banged a gong and a fierce battle broke out in which the party quickly died. _Shit...load saved game...let's try again.  
_~~  
~~Sideboob banged a gong and a fierce battle broke out in which the party quickly died.~~ _Shit...load saved game..._

 ~~~~"Your hairstyle makes a mockery of your intellect brave Brodude Heroman!  A dragon whose mind is addled by angeldust is indeed not a thing we need seek combat with.  Perhaps we can enter yon door unmolested!" Odette replied.

After running across a field and avoiding a dragon that was undoubtedly high as fuck, Odette and company opened a secret door and found themselves within the Nickelodeon G.U.T.S. Astrocrag where a ghost knight of the code suddenly appeared before them.  The Ghost Knight of the Code was kind of a douchebag.  From the moment he had arrived in the Nickelodeon G.U.T.S. Astrocrag he had pretty unmercifully mocked the party's shit.  "You totally let your mom and dad die Odette," the ghost knight of the code mocked.  Odette replied, "Dude...they totally made me go....but I suppose I could have fought a little harder."

The ghost knight of the code nodded and was like "Respect," but then turned towards Brodude and was like, "Brodude you basically suck ass.  How can you defend those charges?" and Brodude was like "(witty repartee to mask my fear of failure)!"

The ghost knight of the code was like, "Good answer...good answer," and then he turned toward Leliana Le Nun and went too goddamn far.  TOO GODDAMN FAR!  "And you Leliana Le Nun!  In Orleans you were someone...rich, beautiful, powerful, with an ass that just won't quit, but here?   Here you are no one...and so you made up some stupid story about the Maker talking to you.  THE MAKER ONLY TALKED TO ANDRASTE AND NO ONE ELSE!!!  YOU LYING PIECE OF TRASH!"

Odette reached for SWEETASS GIANT AXE, but Leliana was like, "I know what I believe...and your words can't change that."

"Whateves..." replied the ghost knight of the code, "And you Sideboob..."

But Sideboob was like, "Dude don't even play..."

And the ghost knight of the code was like, "Aight," and then told Odette, "There are some puzzles and shit in the Astrocrag that you have to solve before you can get into the room that the urn is in.   Probably you'll die because you suck," and then he was gone.

In the first trial Odette's dad showed up and gave her a trinket and was like, "Yo...I'm a ghost," and Odette was like, "Sorry I turned you into a Ghost Dad, Dad," and he was like, "It's cool...don't even trip," and then disappeared.

In the second trial Ghost Brodude and Ghost Odette and Ghost Sideboob and Ghost Leliana attacked the party.  The party killed them all with ease.  Odette killed Ghost Leliana last because even as an evil spirit hellbent on killing her, she didn't want to harm her beloved Leliana.

The third trial was a bunch of shitty riddles that Odette needed to listen to twice at least because the riddlers were all ghosts and were like, "Wooooooo creepy whispering about a riddle....wooooooo...what is it?" so she couldn't hear what the riddles actually were.  Though maybe this was the second trial and the Ghost Odette was the third one...who knows.

The fourth trial involved running around on pressure plates to make an invisible wizard shit bridge appear while Brodude Heroman crept across said bridge.  Brodude was chosen for this task because in the even that the bridge disappeared and someone fell into the pit below, Odette would rather it have been Brodude than Sideboob or Leliana, but he didn't fall to his death in a maybe bottomless pit.

And so the party made their way to the final trial.  A LITERAL TRIAL BY FIRE!  There was a tablet that had the lyrics to [Tommy Lee's magnum opus, "Get Naked,"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hqgVYX3zhug) scrawled upon it, so that is precisely what Odette and the others did.  After walking through the flames, the ghost knight of the code returned and was like, "You good job, you can approach the urn.  Peace out yo!"

So they approached the urn and even Sideboob was kind of impressed, but Leliana was beside herself.  Odette realized she'd probably get some good loving back at camp that if she played her cards right.  With a pinch of dust in her pocket and further treasure boxes looted the party made their way out of the temple.  At the entrance they met Brother Italiano, who against all expectations was not dead, nor had he betrayed them.

"It's a you a Odette! Did you a finda the urn?"

"Yes we found it."

"That'sa great news!  We shoulda turn this place into a Disneyland and a ledda the pilgrims come!"

"Meh...I dunno about that dude."

"Odette we should share this with the world," said Leliana.

"I dunno," said Brodude, "Witty remark about the urn being refillable."

"Yes...let's let the hordes come and ruin this place.  Sarcasm!  Sarcasm!  Sarcasm!" remarked Sideboob.

Odette sighed, "Sigh...I can't say no to you Leliana...alright Brother Italiano...make your Andrasteland Theme Park and Resort."

"That's a great!  Well I a needa go to Denarim.  Come and see a Brother Italiano if you are ever there.  I fixa you a nice spaghetti dinner!"

"Okay...come on guys, let's get this mummy dust back to Jarl Redcliff(e)!"

That night at camp Odette and Leliana made the sweetest love ever.  If their love was a battle axe it would have been the SWEETASS GIANT AXE Odette had taken from that cultist.  Odette wondered if Brodude Heroman was jealous of what she had with Redhead.  No one would ever love that guy.  The next morn, the party set off for Redcliff(e).

**[Commercial Break!](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4WSjCj-lElA) **

Bann of the One Braid was totally stoked to see them with the mummy dust and quickly had it applied to Jarl Redcliff(e).  Jarl Redcliff(e) was all like, "Yo homies what have I missed?" and then there was a cutscene during which it was clear, through context clues, that Jarl had been informed of the shenanigans with blood magic and his wife and son and the zombies and shit.  He took it remarkably well and was like, "Meh...you were dealt a shitty hand and did the best you could.  A CHAMPION OF REDCLIFFE IS YOU!  Hey where's that Blood Mage guy?"

Some guards brought out John Bloodmage and he was like, "Here I am."

And then Jarl was like, "Yo dawg you done fucked up.  What say you Grey Warden?"

"Well he did kind of try to kill you...and also used blood magic to kill your wife, but he did that to save your son, and he seems to want to repent."

"Word?  So what should we do with him?"

"Send him to the Tower of Wizard Shit I guess?"

"Okay cool!  John Bloodmage, you are banished to the Tower of Wizard Shit!"

"Okay."

"Now that that's taken care of, let's talk about Logain Pissdrinker and Kingsmoots and shit.  Yo, Brodude is the King's bastard son you totally knew that right?"

"WHAT?!  MY MIND IS BLOWN!  I THOUGHT HE WAS YOUR SON JARL?"

"Nah...the king knocked up one of my maids the last time he came to town.  Brodude is the King's get."

"Holy shit...."

"Seriously though Brodude for King...I'll go rustle up the other nobles.  You go get some more not-humans to join our cause alright?"

"Alright."

"See you at the Kingsmoot brah!" Jarl said and took his leave.

Odette was kind of furious, "I can't believe you never told me you were a half-blood prince like that guy in Harry Potter...fake Trent Reznor or whatever that guy's name was."

"Ummm...you never asked."

"That's a pretty shit answer dude.  You could have told me.  I thought we were homies."

"I didn't want you to act weird around me because of it."

"Dude I'm a minor noble anyway...it's not like I never met princes before.  Nothing would have changed between us."

"Thanks Odette, you're good people."

"I know.  I know."


	10. Dragon Age - S01E10 - Enchantment?  ENCHANTMENT!!!

"Hail and well met good fellow could you perhaps tell us where the Tower of Wizard Shit is?" Odette asked of the shifty fellow near the docks.

The shifty fellow was not particularly pleased with her question and replied, "Whaddya want? Did the Irregulars send ya? Tell ya I'm a deserter and a thief?!"

Odette recognized the name and assumed that she probably had been sent by the Irregulars to do some sort of task that could very well have involved talking to a shifty fellow near the docks and told the fellow as much.  "Irregulars?  I do remember hearing that name once... Yes! Yes, the Irregulars have sent us!"

"You'll never take us alive coppers! Get 'er boyz!"

A battle erupted between the shifty fellow and his minions and Odette's crew, but little did the shifty fellow realize, Odette had a little something known as SWEETASS GIANT AXE®!!  With the axe she totally wrecked house on the shifty fellow and his goons.  It was pretty much a flawless victory, but Brodude still sighed, "Hew...is there anyone in Feldspar who doesn't want us dead?"

"I'm afraid not fair Brodude Heroman. I'm afraid not."

**[Opening Credits](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Krr7jLRp-qs) **

"Look toots...I'd like to take you dames across, but the rules are the rules and I've got very strict orders not to let any cross," a joker with a employee name tag that read "Brodude Everyman," declared.

"Look Brodude, I understand, but we've got very important business with the Tower of Wizard Shit!" Odette Corvette declared.

Brodude Everyman shook his head, "Sorry babe...no can do."

Odette sighed, "Listen suckbag, if you don't take us across this body of water to the Tower of Wizard Shit right now you are going to regret it!"  To emphasize the point that she was threatening Brodude Everyman's life, she ran her finger across the wicked edge of the SWEETASS GIANT AXE®.

She wasn't sure, but it seemed to Odette that a thin trickle of piss ran down Brodude Everyman's leg as he nervously said, "Okay...okay! I'll take you across.  Everyone into my boat."

Odette and her fellows got into the boat and Brodude Everyman began to row. As the fellow rowed his boat, gently down the stream, Odette could not help but notice Brodude Heroman scowl at Everyman and she wondered what his deal was. He wasn't going to win any king election by scowling at Everyman, but Redhead Le Nun whispered something utterly lewd in her ear and she soon forgot all about the Brodudes scowling like professional scowelers at each other.

A few whiles later Brodude Everyman was all like, "Well, we're here guys.  Everybody out and please don't axe me in the skull as you disembark."

Odette & Co. found themselves on the front porch of the Tower of Wizard Shit.  Some Templars were chillin' hard having a barbecue or something that Odette's arrival clearly disrupted.  The lead templar, Sgt. Slaughter, approached them and was like, "Alright you pukes....drop and gimme twenty!"

"I will do nothing of the sort. I'm here to go discuss some shit with the Tower of Wizard Shit," Odette said.

"Some bad shit's gone down in the Tower of Wizard Shit," Sgt. Slaughter growled like a rusty leopard, "No one goes in! And no one comes out...."

"What kind of bad shit?" Odette asked, "Throwing ourselves into ridiculously dangerous situations is kind of our shtick."

"Bad shit...abomination shit!"

"I've killed abominations before!" Odette shouted and then in a whisper to Redhead and Sideboob asked, "Did we really?"

Redhead whispered, "I think just once...we three were all rather seriously injured. Your sweet hound, Doug the Dog did most of the killing."

"That still counts..." Odette whispered, "So we'd like to help!"

Sgt. Slaughter grumbled like a half starve millstone, "No need! We've called in a nuclear strike..."

"Dude, maybe before you nuke the entire tower you could let us try and see if there's anyone alive inside still."

"Fine!" Sgt. Slaughter barked like a three-day old ham and cheese sandwich, "You pukes can go in, but yer not coming out unless you can show me you've got Professor Dumbledorf, head of the Tower of Wizard Shit with you!"

"Okay! C'mon girls let's go!"

"I'm not a girl..." Brodude Heroman whined.

Over at the far end of the porch there was a guy who declared that he was the quartermaster of the templars.  "We're running dangerously low on supplies..." the fellow bemoaned after introducing himself.

"Have you got anything for sale?" asked Odette.

The fellow, quite enthusiastically declared, "Sure take a look at these items!"

Odette looked over the dude's wares until something caught her eye.  "A BACKPACK! FUCK YEAH! I COULD KISS YOU DUDE!!! GUYS WE CAN CARRY 90 ITEMS NOW!!!! FUCK YEAH!!!"

"We wouldn't need another backpack if you'd sell the random clothes that offer no bonuses that you have to wear in camp," Brodude complained like a jerk.

"Shut up Brodude," Odette shot back, "Maybe someone like you who never gets any and just stands around by the campfire with Sten can hang out in camp in half-plate, but some of us get it on and need costumes alright?!"

"She speaks true," Redhead said, "You cannot very well play the nun and the noblewoman without proper vestments."

"Sorry...sorry. Yay for another backpack then," Brodude said, "Can we just go?"

"Yes."

The party entered the tower and almost instantly was attacked by shitty wizards. Luckily for the party Odette had the SWEETASS GIANT AXE® and Redhead had some sick bow she got after murdering her ex-girlfriend. Shit wizards were dying left and right and the extra backpack was slowly filling up with random orangemetal maces and knives. Many books and scrolls were also discovered and catalogued to be reviewed at a later date. After turning one corner the party discovered a decidedly non-shitty wizard defending some kids and some sexy wizards.

The non-shitty wizard was an older lady who greeted the party with "Hail Odette, what brings you here?"

"Shit...she knows who I am. Where did I met this lady?" Odette thought to herself and then replied with, "Um...hey...um...Winnie?...what are you doing here?"

"Trying to protect these kids. Some bloodmages and abominations went apeshit and totally took over the tower. The templars should be around to help soon."

"Yeah about that...they called in a nuclear strike."

"Oh..."

"But I totally got them to delay it a bit if we can beat the boss of the Tower of Wizard Shit and find Professor Dumbledorf or whoever is in charge here."

"Oh! Then let's go. I'm coming with you of course," Winnie said.

"Of course. Brodude stay here and protect the kids. That will play really well with the middle class moms of Feldspar. You gotta think about your Kingsmoot campaign now dude."

Brodude pouted like a six year old brat but agreed to stay, "Only because of the stupid campaign...not that I want to be king anyway."

The fighting in the tower was fast and furious and too fast too furious. "So many foes and so much treasure...tis not unlike Diablo III," Sideboob opined as she willed some steel knife out of existence, "I fear our backpacks are rather filled."

"We'll make due. Start drinking random potions we never use and setting traps in doorways," Odette ordered lika boss, "Redhead use the arrows that we only have 16 of first."

"My knees tremble when you are bossy like this," Redhead whispered.

Sideboob rolled her eyes and was like, "The potions have been quaffed and the greyiron knives have been sent to the aether. Come let us press on."

SWEETASS GIANT AXE BATTLES!!!!!

The party soon found themselves standing before a shitty-wizard made out of cheeseburger flavored Hamburger Helper.  The Hamburger Helper wizard was like, "You guys deserve a break.  Workin' so hard to get up here.  Take a break guys.  Go have a smoke or get yourself a cup of coffee and just chill...to the next episode!"

_A wizard._


	11. Dragon Age - S01E11 - Of Mice & Burning Mans

**Previously on Dragon Age...**

_A wizard._

**Opening Theme Song**

"Odette my beloved is that truly you?  I cannot recall what led me to this strange place..." Leliana Le Nun said.

Odette wiped away the tears of joy that misted her eyes and threw her arms around Leliana, and cried out, "I thought I'd lost you forever!  I cannot truly say how long I wandered before I finally found you but it was terrible!"

"Terrible?  How so my sweet and attentive Odette?"

"Allow me to explain..."

_FLASHBACK!!!!_

"We met some disgusting shit-wizard remember?"

"Vaguely..."

"Well, that shit-wizard was all like, '[Ahh...it's time to relax!](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j5WxKuoZ5oA)  And you know what that means...a glass of wine...yer favorite easy chair...and of course unspeakable demonic horrors..."

Leliana gasped, "Unspeakable demonic horrors?  That doesn't sound particularly pleasant."

"Not particularly but to be honest, the unspeakable demonic horrors were slightly better than the puzzles."

"Puzzles?  I am not overly fond of puzzles either.  What sort of puzzles?"

"The sort in which I had to transform into a mouse and a whatever Slate or Shale or whatever that Fabulous Rockman who hangs out at camp is."

"That sounds quite dreadful."

"Oh it was until I was taught how to transform into Burning Man."

"Burning Man with all lyrium and terrible music and unwashed people doing what we do at camp."

"No...more a Man on Fire."

"Denzel?"

"No just some sort of human form covered with flames."

"That makes sense I suppose...wait a second, no it doesn't make sense.  How exactly did being on fire help you solve puzzles?"

"You know, I'm not entirely sure about how it helped either, but it did.  It allowed me to find some demons to beat down which opened up new pathways on the gameboard."

Leliana looked perplexed and said, "I thought you did a puzzle to save me, but now you're talking about playing board games?  Which was it?"

"Both," Odette replied, "They were interconnected.  Anyway by besting the demons I was able to go into your nightmare and free you from the demon here that held you in thrall."

"So sweet and attentive of you.  Then quickly we must go free the others."

"Um...they're already freed."

Leliana pouted and put her hands on her hips.  "You saved them first did you?  Why would you save Morrigan before your beloved?"  She paused briefly and looked about, "Wait...if you saved them already then where are they?  Why are they not with you?  You would not tease your poor beloved would you?"

"No, I did save them," Odette replied, "They just kind of disappeared again soon after I saved them."

"Disappeared?  Disappeared how...oh...like this I suppose......."

Odette watched as Redhead Le Nun faded into nothingness and knew what she had to do.  She would have to defeat the sloth demon once and for all!  It was time for the final battle of good verses evil.  Winner takes all.  Showcase showdown.  Final Jeopardy.  She walked over to the Fade Elevator and pressed the button for the penthouse suite.  Undoubtedly that was where the sloth demon would be, and there he was in all his wicked demonic splendor!

_A demon._

**Commercial Break!**

"SO!" the demon boomed like a boombox with TURBOBASS activated, "You think you're better than me?  I gave you peace!  I gave you happiness!  Do you truly wish to throw that away?"

"LIES!  YOU KEPT ME FROM MY BELOVED REDHEAD LE NUN, AND FOR THAT I CANNOT FORGIVE YOU DEMON!!!!" Odette screamed at the disgusting demonic horror that sort of floated before her.

"C'mon...it wasn't so bad.  Stay awhile and chill.  You seem like a cool chick...c'mon...."

Winnie Cooper shouted from behind Odette, "Yo! He's trying to mess with your brain dude!  We gotta kill this guy!"

"So...you want to kill me?  Not cool guys...not cool," the demon intoned, his voice booming like the stereo on a 1997 Honda Civic tearing ass up a suburban street at 2:39 in the morning, "It's go time!  Bring it!"

 ~~SWEETASS GIANT AXE®~~  TRANSFORMING INTO A SHITTY GHOST AND A SLATE OR SHALE OR WHATEVER ROCKMAN AND ONCE A MOUSE BY ACCIDENT!

Odette wiped the sweat from her brow, "Looks like that demon is totally dead.  I wonder if we can go back to that tower now and kill blood mages again."

"We should be able to," Winne Cooper said, "C'mon!"

Back out in the Raw Dog Fade lobby, that wizard guy named Nail was still chilling out.  Odette greeted Nail warmly, "Sup dawg.  I found my friends and killed a demon.  Nail, these are my friends.  Friends this is Nail.  He taught me about Fade Mice and without him I would never have found you or killed a demon, but I guess that can probably wait.  Nail, grab your shit we're outta here."

"I'm afraid I cannot go my friend...I've been here too long and am going to die because of it."

"Dude that sucks..."

"My moms once said, Nail you're destined for great things...I hope I haven't disappointed her."

"Probably not dude.  You turned into a wizard and fought a bunch of demons but got killed by a shit-wizard.  It could happen to the best of us.  Hell, three out of the four of us here right now got knocked the fuck out by a shit-wizard that was chillin' in a wolfmang lair and if it hadn't been for Doug the Dog we totally would not be here right now."

"Thank you friend.  That is most kind of you.  Anyway when you go out grab some kind of scroll I had.  You will be able to lay the smack down on blood mages and shit-wizards with it."

"Cool.  Thanks again Nail for the clues about fade mice.  Peace out dawg...we'll see you on the flipside."

**Commercial Break!**

Back in the Tower of Wizard-Shit Odette found the scroll on Nail's body exactly where he said it would be.  She poured out a 40 of Lesser Balm of Grounding in his honor and then the party headed forward.  More blood mages, shit-wizards, fire blobs, mini-dragons, medium-dragons, and even some knights of the code felt death's sweet embrace at the end of the SWEETASS GIANT AXE® and soon the party stood before a knight of the code in some kind of bubble.  He was annoying as shit and was like, "La La La La...I can't hear you."

Odette sighed, "Dude, we're totally real.  We need to find the First Enchanter or whatever and kill Ultron."

The knight of the code in the bubble was not hearing it though and was all like, "NO!  YOU GOTTA KILL THEM ALL!  ONE OF THEM MIGHT HAVE BEEN TURNED!  KILL ALL THE WIZARDS!" the knight of the code screamed, "BLOOD MAGE FINGAZ IN THEIR MINDZ!!!"

"Dude, that's pretty shitty.  We're going to save who we can."

"NO KILL 'EM ALL!!  WE CAN'T TAKE THE CHANCE!!!"

"Whatever dude...you prejudiced son of a hurlok.  C'mon guys we have some ridiculously dangerous work to do!"

Odette and company raced to the main chamber of the tower and saw Ultron.  He was all like, "Meh...I'm Ultron check out this cool thing!" but Odette was like, "NO ASSHOLE YOU MUST DIE!"

A fight happened!  "Man, Winnie Cooper is so good,"  Odette thought as she SWEETASS GIANT AXED® a Grand Shit-Wizard to death, "I have only had to chug a single potion instead of my usual dozen and three potions during a boss fight.  I wish I'd had her since the beginning...would have saved a lot of trouble.  Plus she's wearing a really cool hat."

"Tis simply impossible," Sideboob shouted trying to cram a suit of platemail into her backpack, "I cannot place another item within this satchel."

"Ummm...I found this book a little while ago.  Maybe you could put it in your pocket or something."

"This book?  Tis Flemith's grimoire!  Thank you.  You do not know how much this means to me.  Thank you so much."

"You're welcome," Odette said.

"Like, I don't like girls the way you do, but if I did I would totally do whatever it is two girls do together with you."

"We mostly hug awkwardly while wearing bras and necklaces while panpipe music plays."

"That sounds about right.  Anyway, thank you again.  This will be most enlightening."

"Uggg...I feel like a diarrhea shit," said an old man with a weird beard, "Thanks for saving the Tower of Wizard Shit."

"You're welcome.  You're the Boss Wizard right?"

"Yup.  Come on let's go downstairs.  Uggg...why did they build this thing in a tower..."

Downstairs Sgt. Slaughter burst in and was like, "DROP AND GIMME TWENTY YOU USELESS PUKES!!! Oh wait it's the Boss Wizard...you guys got the job done."

"Sure did Sarge," Odette said.

The Knight of the Code from the bubble was on the scene and was like "WE GOTTA KILL 'EM ALL THEY MIGHT BE BLOOD MAGES!!!"

But Sgt. Slaughter was like, "Dude you're crazy.  I say there's been enough death already!  I should go check out the tower and see if you missed any blood mages.  Peace out brah!"

At that moment Winnie Cooper was like, "Hey boss, if it's cool with you I'm going with Odette.  I like the cut of her jib."

The Boss Wizard smiled and was like, "I figured as much.  Go with the Grey Warder and help her as she prepares for the final battle."

"About that Boss," Odette said, "Will the wizards of the Tower of Wizard Shit ride with me in the final battle.  I got this contract here that says you will."

"Yes.  When you ride into battle, the full might of the Tower of Wizard Shit rides with you!"


	12. Dragon Age - S01E12 - I'M THE JUGGERNAUT, (SLUR FOR A WOMAN I DEEM TO BE OF QUESTIONABLE VIRTUE)!!!!

That evening at camp as the party celebrated their great success in the Tower of Wizard Shit, Sideboob McWitch whispered to Odette, "This eve I have something I would wish to tell you, away from the eyes and ears of the others."  Odette nodded in agreement.  Could Sideboob's earlier dismissals of her affections have been merely a ruse?  It made little matter now as Odette's heart belonged to another, but she would still hear what Sideboob had to say.  That night, after the others had retired, Odette approached Sideboob's tent.

"Ah tis you. I wish to discuss Flemith's grimoire. I have found it most intriguing."

"I'm glad you are enjoying it. I prefer tales of doomed romance to grimoires of dark and forbidden magicks myself, but to each her own."

"Yes, well the thing I wished to discuss was Flemith's apparent immortality."

"Oh word? Is there a spell of immortality in that book? Can you cast it on us? We could totally go own that dragon that had been smoking dope up on that mountain if we were immortal!"

"It's not a spell per say...legends tell of the countless daughters of Flemith of which I am one, and yet I myself have not met a single one of my sisters."

"Maybe you're better off...I have a brother...maybe...he was at Ostguard but went out scouting with some guy named Benjen, and no one has seen hide or hair of him since...I think they're both still alive...Benjen and my brother, but I really don't know.  It weighs heavily on me."

"Um...could you focus a moment please. The reason I have not met my sisters is because when Flemith approaches death she wills her spirit into the body of one of her daughters, killing them in the process."

"Wow, I'm so sorry your mom would do that to your sisters."

Sideboob did a Piccardian facepalm and shook her head, "Are you listening at all? I am one of Flemith's daughters and Flemith is about 96 gajillion years old which means that there is a very real risk of Flemith taking over my body and causing me to cease to be."

"Oh...I guess that does suck."

"That is why I need your help."

"My help?"

"Yes! I will not sit idly by like a sack waiting to be filled, and so I need you to kill Flemith."

Odette's eyes popped right out of her goddamn head. "Me? Why can't you do it?"

"Because I fear if I am there when Flemith dies, she will will her spirit into my body instantaneously, and so, you must kill her without me."

"Oh man...that's going to suck.  You've been in more shit with me than anyone else! How am I going to kill your mom if you're not there."

"I do not know, but you have proven yourself to be quite resourceful.  I am quite certain you will figure out how to kill Flemith without me."  
  
**[Commercial Break](https://youtu.be/UKmqPyuv0vo)**

Odette stood before her assembled party, all save for Sideboob who was undoubtedly sound asleep in her tent.  Already Brodude Heroman was complaining about some perceived injustice that had been committed against him.  Maker how glad Odette would be when the Blight was over and she no longer had to work with Brodude.  Maybe she'd get lucky and he'd defeat his opponents in the Kingsmoot.  She wondered how his campaign was going...he didn't honestly seem all that committed to becoming king.

"Hey! Listen!" Odette began.

"Sure thing Navi!" Brodude said sarcastically elbowing an annoyed looking Sten Cornrows in the side.  Sten Cornrows did not look amused.

"Dude for real!  What the fuck is your problem with me?  I told you I was sorry about killing that lady you hate.  She volunteered for it anyway.  It wasn't like we out and out murdered her!  I gave you back your mom's charm bracelet and I found that killer suit of templar armor for you that I wish I could wear, but can't but that's beside the point, and you're still busting my balls every opportunity you get!  I'm getting sick and tired of it frankly and if I could bring myself to ask you to leave the party I would!" Odette shouted.

"Such fire!  Such passion! I can see why you would be taken with her," ZEV! whispered to Leliana Le Nun.  Leliana blushed somewhat and looked away from Odette.

"Anyway the reason we're here is because we've got a job to do," Odette started.

"Yes, stopping the darkspawn," Sten Cornrows mumbled in a bored monotone.

"No!  Not the darkspawn," Odette replied, "Well, yes we have to stop the darkspawn too, but Sideboob wants us to kill her mom for her.  She can't come with us so that means there's an open space in the party.  I'm going to need one of you to come along."

"I'll come," Brodude intoned.

"Why, so you can mock my tri-pigtails and continue to ask if I've sacrificed any other Connor Moms?" Odette asked angrily.

"No, because I'm probably the best choice," Brodude smirked like a goddamn smarmy bastard.

"He's right you know," ZEV! said, "I have like 5th hand hand-me-downs, and Sten truly sucks."

"Alright fine, you can come...but we're going to have to do some training before we can go after Flemith, since rumor is she's pretty much impossible...more impossible than even you Brodude!" Odette said with a smirk, rather impressed with her decent burn, "Okay now everyone get some sleep, we leave at dawn."

Odette headed towards her tent and the comfort of her beloved Redhead, but was stopped short by Winnie Cooper.  "Might I speak with you a moment Grey Warden?" the old biddy asked.

"Yes, I suppose so.  What is on your mind Winnie?"

"I wish to talk to about you and Leliana."

"You know about us?"

"Girl, I'm old, but I'm not blind.  I see the way you two paw at each other like a pair of Chantry schoolgirls at Crinkum-Crankum Crevasse."

"So. Do you have a problem with it?"

"No, Leliana is a sweet girl...kind and caring."

"I think so too."

"But I worry about her.  What kind of life can you give her Grey Warden?  And what would happen if you were forced to choose between your love for Leliana and your duty as a Grey Warden?"

"I don't think that will ever come to pass..."

"It might!  Have you never read a Spider-man comic?  Anyway it would maybe be best if you ended things with her...for both your sakes."

"Are you tripping?  Mind your own beeswax you old crone."

The follow morning the party of four gathered up their arms and armaments and set forth for their first stop on their training montage: Basilica Forest.

"Okay we're going to Basilica to beat up that skeleton knight that kicked our asses last time.  Does everyone remember?"

"I do, my sweet and attentive Odette," Leliana said, smiling quite coquettishly.  Maker how adorable could one Bard of Orleans be!

"As I have just recently joined your party I have no recollection of this as I, myself, was not there," Winnie Cooper said.

"And since you've rarely asked me to come out of camp since Redcliffe I don't really know either," that pain in the ass, Brodude whined, though he did have a point.  God was he annoying!  Everything about him was annoying...even that stupid green rectangle shield was annoying.  Odette sighed, and thought about her life once the Blight was over.  She could leave Brodude and do what she wanted.  Maybe she and Leliana would go to Orleans.  They had Grey Wardens there so she was certain she could get a job pretty easily.

Some hours later, the party found themselves before a decrepit tombstone deep within Basilica Forest.   ~~How many times had they been utterly slaughtered by the fiend that lurked within?  Screwing her courage Odette once again disrupted the wards surrounding the tombstone.~~  Odette approached a strange decrepit tombstone she had certainly never seen before.  Wards and runes of lore and yore alike pulsated around it.  Quite obviously something quite powerful lay within.  Screwing her courage, Odette, for the first time in her life disrupted the wards surrounding the tombstone.  Almost instantaneously a skeletal knight burst forth like a Kool-Aid Man of Highever.  Odette, Brodude, and Leliana threw themselves into combat, while Winnie Cooper did some wizard shit.  Quite remarkably the fiend fell without Odette requiring a single healing potion.

The battle over, Odette searched the body and discovered an awesome helmet...a Juggernaut Helmet!

"One down, three more to go," Winnie said checking off something in a small leather-bound tome.

"What?" Odette asked, scratching her chin in a puzzled fashion.

"It says right here in your codex that you have been tasked with slaying 4 such fiends within this forest," Winnie replied, "Did you truly not know?"

"Uh...no....uh...Sideboob usually dealt with the secretarial shit associated with adventuring," Odette replied quickly before adding, "I suppose then we should locate these other three fiends and deal with them.  It will be good training anyway."

And so the party set out.  Two more skeleton knights were bested and Odette found herself in possession of two more pieces of Juggernaut Armor.  The party also kicked the shit out of a platoon of not-goblins and not-orcs, and some necromancers doing some evil shit.  Winnie declared that both victories had completed other tasks the party had been tasked with tasking.  Just one more piece of armor remained to be found, and yet the forest was completely devoid of further old spooky gravestones.

"Just an idea," Winnie said, "But perhaps we could try the wolfmang lair.  The notes here say there was some altar thing you needed to do something to that you didn't do anyway."

"Okay!  Let's go!" Odette declared.

The party quested through the wolfmang lair again, collecting random shitty knives they had been too over burdened to collect the first time they had traversed these halls.  Finally they came to a room with an altar and a jug and some water.  Odette looked over the notes Sideboob had taken and filled a jug, placed it on the altar, took a knee before the altar, took a sip of water, and then dumped the extra water in the fountain.  Suddenly a door opened and Brodude made some snide remark about Odette's lack of skill at reading comprehension.  God how she hated him.

But her hatred did not last long.  The party entered the chamber and saw a wailing spirit.

"Åh jeg er sådan en trist hanrej!" the spirit wailed in Danish.

Odette had little and less fluency in Danish and was like, "Yo, I can't understand you.  Are you lost or some shit?"

This was apparently the wrong thing to say to a wailing spirit for it attacked.  "TO BATTLE DUDES!!!!" Odette shouted throwing herself at the screaming ghost.  SWEETASS GIANT AXE®!!!!

With the ghost...dead...again...or something, Odette searched the area and found a Juggernaut Breastplate!

"FUCK YEAH!" Odette shouted, "I'M THE JUGGERNAUT, (SLUR FOR A WOMAN I DEEM TO BE OF QUESTIONABLE VIRTUE)!!!"

_Odette getting ready to punch a gork or harlock or something._  
  
"Wow this armor is pretty sweet.  Hey wait a second, we're pretty close to that Danish village, and you've got survival skillz with a z Brodude!" Odette shouted as the party made their way out of the wolfmang lair.

"Yeah so..."

"There was some kind of deer-a-ma-jig that was sick.  I think we needed survival skillz with a z to heal it, and you're just the man for a job!" Odette replied.

"A trained templar and a Grey Warden and you take me to heal sick deer?" Brodude whined.

"You want to get left back at camp?  I'm sure ZEV! would love to come along!" Odette screamed.

"Fine let's go..."

As the party made their way to the Danish campsite, they were waylaid by darkfriends.  SWEETASS GIANT AXE® ruined their shit...completely, but as the crew left the field of combat, Winnie Cooper totally fell down.

"ARE YOU OKAY?!" Odette screamed at the fallen old biddy.

"Yes, yes...I'm fine now.  Thought it was all over for a moment there.  I'll tell you about it the next time we're in camp."

"Okay.  Sounds like a plan and a half."

In the Danish camp Brodude was able to calm the deer-a-ma-jig sufficiently for her handler to determine that the deer was merely worried about her life partner and she herself was not sick.  The Danish Deer Master thanked Odette and Brodude, but Brodude was still mopey.  Odette wondered if he was racist against Danes.  Had he seen Brodude talk to ZEV! at all since ZEV! had joined the party?  She couldn't recall.  Before leaving the Dane's camp Odette decided to sell some shitty knives to the Danish merchant and made an amazing discovery....A BACKPACK!

"DUDE!!! HAVE YOU HAD THIS THE WHOLE TIME?!  I SWEAR TO CHRIST I LOOKED FOR A BACKPACK IN YOUR SHOP LAST TIME!"

"Shrug," the merchant said.

"THIS IS SO BOSS! WE CAN CARRY 100 ITEMS NOW!  TO THINK I ALMOST SOLD MY ANCESTRAL SWORD TO FREE UP SPACE!"

"Sigh...you're never going to use it or that shield again.  Just sell them!" Brodude complained.

"Up yours Brodude," Leliana spat venomously, "Did sweet and attentive Odette ask you to sell your mother's charm bangle thing?  How could you ask the same of her?"

"Sorry.  Sorry.  Forget I said anything.," Brodude muttered, "Let's just go."

That evening at camp, Odette's sleep was troubled by a big ass dragon.  She awoke with a start, and found Brodude looming over her,  "You dreamed it too didn't you buddy?  It seems like the darkspawn are watching us."

At that moment there was a shout.  OH SHIT THEY WERE TOTALLY UNDER ATTACK BY DARKSPAWN!  SWEETASS GIANT AXE® made short work of the despicable foemen.  As the party stood over the slain fiends Brodude muttered, "The darkspawn know where we are...the camp is no longer safe."


	13. Dragon Age - S01E13 - The Ballad of Schmooples

**COLD OPEN!!!**  
  
The party made their way from the chantry want-ads board gold in hand and crossed the town square of Redcliffe Village.  It sure had changed since that battle against the undead horde all those moons ago.  The one thing that hadn't changed was Brodude Heroman's shitty attitude.  "Hey murderer, I need to stop at the smithy to sell this old sword," Brodude said, "I've been holding onto it for awhile since I know old Smiddy in Redcliffe would give me the best price."

Odette sighed and was like, "Yo fine, whatever man...let's go visit the drunk blacksmith..."

The party entered the blacksmith's smithy to find a strange man standing there within.

"Excuse me but who are you?" Brodude Heroman asked the perceived interloper.

"I'm Serious Blacksmith," the fellow said, "I've taken over Smiddy's Smithy.  I'm still figuring it all out, but I've got some decent pieces for sale."

"But where's Smiddy?" Brodude asked nervously.

"Oh you didn't hear?  Suicide by hanging.  The guy heard that his daughter had died in the castle during that business with the demons.  She was his only family and he took it pretty hard.  Worked out well for me.  Can I interest you in a fine Greyiron Mace?"

"BLOOD MAGIC AND DRIVING A MAN TO SUICIDE?!" Brodude shouted in an impotent rage at Odette, spittle frothing from his mouth, "YOU ARE THE WORST GREY WARDEN EVER!!!"

Odette stared directly into the camera, smirked and shrugged.  
  
  
**DRAGON AGE ORIGINS THEME SONG!!**  
  
  
A week had passed rather uneventfully since the darkfiends totally ruined Odette's Party Pit.  She and the others had taken a number of mercenary jobs for the Irregulars and the Mages of Malababoo and the Chantry, but had made little progress in either slaying Flemith or recruiting more dudes for their army.  Perhaps the most eventful event that that eventfully transpired was the afternoon that Odette, Leliana, Winnie Cooper, and Brodude had killed some sort of Ancient Horror hanging out in the basement of the Tower of Wizard Shit.  The Ancient Horror dropped a ROCKIN' BIGASS SWORD™ that was even better than the SWEETASS GIANT AXE® so Sven Cornrows got the SWEETASS GIANT AXE® because Odette didn't need it anymore and even if Brodude had any skill in BIGASS WEAPONS she wouldn't have given it to him because he had been a total fartknocker the entire time they were in the Tower of Wizard Shit.

Evening had fallen and the party had just made camp for the night after dispatching a gang of scumbags when it dawned on Odette that she had never asked Winnie Cooper about why she'd fallen down.  Odette figured it was bum hips or something like that, but it didn't hurt to ask all the same.

"Hey Dubbya...what's crackin' baby?" Odette asked.

"Oh hello dear.  I wanted to talk to you about Leliana."

"Oh Christ Jesus...not this again."

"Please just hear me out.  I was perhaps a tad overzealous in what I'd said.  I see you two together and see how happy you make each other and realize that without love and happiness there's really no reason to even bother fighting the Blight."

"Yeah whatever, why did you fall down the other day?"

"Oh that...yeah I'm dead."

"I know you're old, but you're not dead."

"No dear, I am pretty much dead.  I died and then saw an angel and I was Touched By An Angel and came back to life and now I am crazy about angels!  I also have a very healthy attitude towards death and dying."

"Oh okay.  That's cool I guess."

At that moment Brodude Heroman came skulking over, "We really need to talk."

"About teaching me to be a templar?"

"A MILLION TIMES NO!" Brodude screamed, "About the dwarves of Dwarvington."

"Those two guys over there?" Odette asked pointing at Enchantment-Enchantment and his dad, "What about 'em?"

"No not those two.  The dwarves of Dwarvington.  They are the last contract we need to get filled before we can go fight the Archdemon."

"Oh...that.  Yeah I guess we can do that."

Brodude pumped his fist triumphantly and shouted, "Awesome!  Let me get my gear!"

"Oh....you thought you were going.  That's funny.  Since we're not killing her mom, Sideboob can come with us again."

Brodude pouted like a petulant child and said, "But we were doing so well together!  We killed those Skull Knights and that Ancient Horror..."

"You wanna teach me how to be a Templar, Brodude?"

"NO!"

"Then go sit over there with Sven Cornrows and stir the chili pot," Odette ordered before turning back to Winnie Cooper, "Winnie I'm going to need you to come with me.  Grab you gear...we're going to Dwarvington!"

\---

The mountain pass leading up to Dwarvington was festooned with all sorts of guys who wanted Odette and her friends dead: Banditos, Irregular deserters, others, and guys who were getting fired by their boss via letters that Odette personally delivered, but they made it to the top in one piece and encountered another guy who wanted them dead...some jackoff who was working for Logain...OH LOGAIN THAT PISSDRINKING SON OF A (SLUR FOR A WOMEN I DEEM TO BE OF QUESTIONABLE VIRTUE)!  That guy's the worst.

Odette made her feelings about Logain Pissdrinker known to the lackey in the manner recorded above and soon there was a fierce battle.

ROCKIN' BIGASS SWORD™!  All the guys were dead and when Odette went up to the guard of Dwarvington he was like, "Yo thanks, that guy was a totally annoying dickbag.  Have fun in Dwarvington, but oh yeah, there's almost a civil war going on because the king died so we're having a Kingsmoot!"

"That's weird," Odette said, "We're having a Kingsmoot too for Humantypes."

"Cool!  Twin kingsmoots!  Anyway be careful in there!"

Dwarvington was totally awesome.  It looked like all the best stereotypical dwarven cities of yore: Kaladim, That City In World of Warcraft, Wherever Gimli Lived...all the best cities...except this one had something extra...NUGS!  HO SHIT NUGS WERE THE BEST.  After catching some nugs for a nug dealer who was out of the game, Leliana became rather infatuated with the lagomorphian pig and decided she wanted one as a pet.  What could Odette do?  The Blight of Darkness and Evil would have to wait while she found someone who could rustle up a nug suitable as a pet.

In East-Dwarvington, they encountered a shiftless fellow who said he could wrangle a nug from some kind of cave.  Cave nugs were apparently healthier as they ate less trash than city nugs.  While Odette was waiting for the nug wrangler to return she encountered a downtrodden dwarf lady.  Her dad was pissed because she slept with a black guy or something and got knocked up.  Her dad wanted her to put the baby in a cave and then have the daughter pretend she never slept with a black dude, since her family was upper middle class and what would the neighbor's think?

Odette agreed to talk some sense into the racist piece of shit and found him in the bar.  "Hey you fucking monster, I heard you threw your daughter out of the house."

"I never threw her out...she knows what she has to do if she wants to come home," the lady's dad said before adding, "Don't ever tell me what I can't do to my family!"

Odette found herself utterly unable to punch the guy in the face with ROCKIN' BIGASS SWORD™ so she went back outside and while pantomiming dusting her hands off declared, "Another job well done ladies!  Let's go back to East-Dwarvington...I gotta see a guy about something?"

"Oh about what?" Leliana asked, cocking her head in the most adorably inquisitive manner.

"Shit...I can't tell her the truth...it will ruin the surprise," Odette thought and the quickly answered, "I'm going to buy lyrium dust.  It's been awhile since Brodude's done a bump and I think that might be why he's such a huge asshole to me."

"I thought he was a huge asshole to you because you and I used blood magic to kill his foster father's wife...a woman he himself hated," Sideboob said.

"Well there's that and the fact that he hasn't gotten high in like forever."

Back in East-Dwarvington Odette found the shiftless dwarf and whispered, "Psst, you got the stuff?"  He showed her that he had a cute nug under his coat and asked, "You got the cash?"

"How much?" Odette asked.

"How much is it worth to ya?" asked the shiftless dwarf.

"40 silver cool with you?"

"Very!" the dwarf said and quickly handed the nug to Odette, "A pleasure doing business with you milady."

"Okay guys," Odette said as she rejoined the party, "Let's go back to camp.  I've had enough dwarves for one evening."

As the party made their way out of Dwarvington a tweenage dwarf girl was like, "Yo excuse me!  You totally look like a mage.  I totally love magic and shit.  I've seen Harry Potter like 839,923,291 times and totally want to go to school and the Tower of Wizard Shit!"

"Um...but you're a dwarf," Sideboob said, "Everyone knows dwarves can't do magic."

"Oh I know that, but I love the theory and history of it.  Please can you talk to someone at the Tower of Wizard Shit for me?" the tweenage dwarf girl asked.

"Oh alright," Odette said, "We'll talk to Boss Wizard the next time we're there."

"THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU!" the tweenage dwarf said, "My name's Drago by the way...I'll be waiting for you at my dad's shoppe!"

With Drago appeased, the party made the long walk back to camp.  That night after dinner Odette and Leliana were flirting with each other, as was the norm.  "Close your eyes," Odette said, "I have a surprise for you."

"A surprise?  What is it?"

Odette removed the cute nug from where she had hidden it in her pauldron and bellowed, "TADA!"

Leliana clasped her hands to her mouth in surprised and the squealed with glee, "OH IT'S ONE OF THOSE UNDERGROUND PIG-RABBITS!!! IT'S SUPER CUTE!!!  I WILL NAME HIM SCHMOOPLES!!!  THANK YOU ODETTE!  YOU ARE TOTALLY THE BEST GIRLFRIEND EVER!"  
  
  
  
NEXT TIME ON DRAGON AGE ORIGINS: "Me? I don't care about the caste system...there are merchants and miners who could run Dwarvington just as well as any Dancelord."


	14. Dragon Age - S01E14 - Indecision 9:30

"I've really been accepted at the Tower of Wizard Shit?" the tweenage dwarf asked in disbelief, "Oh thank you so much! I'll pack my things and leave right away! The next time you're at the Tower of Wizard Shit come and see me."

"What an adorable child!" Winnie Cooper exclaimed as the dwarven tweenager ran off, "It's a shame I'm no longer at the Tower I would have liked to teach her."

Odette nodded, "Yeah...hey Winnie do you remember why we came here again? All I remember was Brodude annoying me and refusing to teach me how to be a Templar so I benched him and headed out into the wilderness."

"You're joking right? We have to get the Dwarves of Dwarvington to help us battle the darkfiends in the Final Battle," Winnie said, "I'm 902 years old and also dead and even I remembered that."

"Oh right. Come on then let's go talk to the Dwarf Chief about it."

"My sweet and somewhat inattentive Odette," Leliana Le Nun began, "Do you not recall witnessing dwarven dancelords axe murdering each other over a matter of succession when we first entered the city?"

"I remember Drogo and the nugs...and the concept of 'nug-gets.' Oh and that lady who slept with a black guy and had a racist dad."

Leliana, Sideboob and Winnie all looked at each other in disbelief for a moment. "I'm kidding dudes! Of course I remember what's going on! Let's go talk to those two politicians!" There were sighs of relief as the party headed for the Diamond District. There they met a dwarf named Darla who was Congressman Hargraver's secretary or something.

"Ho Grey Warden! It's a pleasure to meet you!"

"Enough chit-chat dwarf...we need bodies to throw at the darkspawns. You dwarves signed a contract with the Grey Wardens stating that you would be those bodies in our time of need!"

"We'd like to help, but that contract is actually between the Wardens and the King of Dwarves...and unfortunately right now the position is open. If you could help Congressman Hargraver secure the Presidency we'd be glad to assist you with the battle," Darla explained.

"That sounds good, what do I gotta do?"

"Well...there's a big game of Quidditch tonight, but the Crown-prince of Cockcheese did something so now our best dudes refuse to play."

"Hmmm...what if we played?"

"That would certainly prove your loyalty to Congressman Hargraver."

"Okay lemme think about it bro. Peace out!"

"Umm...peace out..."

Outside the Hargraver Manorhouse Odette spake to her fellow travelers, "Let's go see if the Crown-Prince has a better offer for us."

"That twas remarkably wise," Sideboob offered, "Usually you make rather poorly thought out decisions that result in Brodude hating you or dwarven lasses being disowned by their families for being involved in interracial relationships."

"Thanks I think," Odette replied.

A few moments later they found themselves in the Royal Palace. "Okay dudes, let's go see what the Crown Prince has to offer, also let's steal all his shit."

"Works for me!" Leliana smirked, pleased by the thought of petty larceny.

A few moments later while picking a lock on a particularly fancy looking chest, a group of dirtbag raiders popped up out of the floor and attacked the party.  
  
  
_Dirtbag Raiders_  
  
But those dirtbags were hella dumb for as everyone knows, seven or eight dirtbag raiders are no match for a Grey Warden, a Witch of the Wilds, a Bard of Orleans, and a Mage of the Tower of Wizard Shit.  There were many spells flung, knives thrust, and BIGASS SWORD™s swung and soon all the dirtbag raiders were dead on the floor.  One or two of them might have been missing their heads.  A dwarf guard rushed in and was like, "Ho shit you owned those dirtbag raiders.  People are getting more and more desperate if they're willing to attack the royal palace to steal some shit."

"I know!" Leliana said, "You can just walk in through the front door to steal shit.  No need to tunnel or fight or anything."

"Exactly!" the guard replied, "Well, I'll leave you to your wandering and looting then."

A few moments later while looting more royal treasures, Odette and her friends found themselves battling another Skeleton Knight that had popped out of a bottle.  "These skeleton knights are getting ridiculous!" Odette said, "I cannot believe I fall for that same joke every single time!  Each time I pick it up thinking, 'Hmm...maybe this time it will be a healing potion or some shit,' but nope...every time...SKELETON KNIGHT!"

"Odette, I am quite well aware that you are somewhat inattentive to everything save for certain anonymous bards of Orleans who wear rather lowcut leather armor and have a fondness for tales of fairies and princesses, but do you not find it at all odd that the Crown Prince would have in his possession such an evil artifact?" Sideboob asked.

"That is pretty weird," Odette said, "Let's find him and ask about it."

But Leliana was all like, "Uhh...no...sorry," and couldn't pick the lock to the royal apartments, so the party bailed and headed to Congress.  At Congress they met the Crown Prince's Second.  He was basically rude as shit and thus Odette decided to help Congressman Hargraver become President of all the Dwarves.  His man was waiting right outside the Congress Building.

"Yo Darla, we will totally play Quidditch for you okay?  That guy was a total cockmongler and wanted us to try and persuade some of your mens to join up with the Prince."

"I can't believe you even talked to that guy...that's not so loyal.  Oh wait, you'll play?  Sweet.  I'll be in Tapsters Brew Pub watching the game.  They've got hella beers there and a big ass TV it will be rad," Darla said.

"Okay!  See you later dude.  Ladies?  It's time to do some poorly planned heroics!" Odette shouted and the party headed towards the Quidditch arena, but on the way there they saw some scummy scumbags threatening a nice middle class shopkeeper.

"Oi boyz let's see what 'e's got is 'is shop oi!"

"Oh no they didn't..." Odette said, "C'mon ladies some other poorly planned heroics needs to happen first!"

"HEY JERKASS!" Odette yelled as she entered the shop behind the scummy scumbags, "WHY DON'T YOU FUCK THE FUCK OFF?"

"He he...nice clothes...maybe you'd better consider paying for a little protection.  It's be a shame if you lost that nice dress."

"Dude, are you fucking blind?  Do you not see that I'm wearing gotdamn juggernaut armor and have a BIGASS SWORD™ strapped to my back?  Do you not notice that there are not one, but two mages in my company?  Can you not tell that that lovely redhead over there is wearing armor crafted by a crazy mustache in Capitol City from the scales of a drake?  Oh sure you might not know that we killed that drake ourselves, but you've gotta be able to recognize that it's drakescale at least..." Odette replied, "So I suppose you've gotta ask yourself one question, 'Do I feel lucky?'  Well do you punk?"

As the tattooed assholes rushed at Odette, and as Leliana drew her cheeseknife and beastlord slasher she smirked to her lover, "I suppose the fellow felt lucky..."

But luck was not on the idiotic scummy scumbags' side and soon all of them were totally dead.  The shopkeeper, instead of being all like, "You are an awesome hero!  Here's some kind of item you will sell back to me because you are pretty much at the end of the game and have all kinds of better awesome gear," he was like "Shit shit shit shit!  WHAT DID YOU DO!?  Kill him in my shop?!  I'm a goner!  The Encarta's gonna be all up in my grill!  Shit they'll kill me even if I hide in the Diamond District.  I GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE!"

The shopkeeper rushed out of the building and Sideboob sighed, "Apparently your earlier rationality and deliberation before acting was but a temporary affliction...never mind.  Let us be off to this peculiar game.  The sooner we can be away from this loathsome city the better."

Inside the Quidditch arena Odette met two different dwarves who used to be Hargraver men but now were like, "Yo homes, I'm not going to fight...I got a...a wicked nasty toe stub...Sorry guy."  Odette called them wussies and was like, "I'll win the Quidditch King of the Ring Royal Rumble by myself!  Fuck you guys."  And thus Odette entered the Quidditch King of the Ring Royal Rumble.  Many dwarves met shameful defeat at the end of BIGASS SWORD™ as Odette became World Heavyweight Dwarf Champion.

With her championship belt soundly in her possession she went back to the bar and met Darla again.  "Word of your victory has reached my ears and my boss, Congressman Hargraver will meet you now.  C'mon let's rock out."

In Congressman Hargraver's lair the Congressman introduced himself to Odette and Co., "That was a pretty sick victory you scored during the Quidditch King of the Ring Royal Rumble.  I was most impressed."

"Yeah whateves...that's what I do.  Anyway we need dwarven knights of the code to go battle the final battle."

"I will gladly provide them when I am king, but there is still work to be done," the Congressman said, "Are you familiar with Encarta?"

"The gangstas?  Yeah I hate those guys...they thought I was some kind of pushover so I killed a shit ton of them in some guy's shop.  I don't know where the guy went."

"Their boss is a lady dwarf name Jarvis and she's a total badass, but no one in Congress wants to do jackshit about her.  If you guys could capture her it would show that I get results and I could become King Dwarf and then help you with the knights you need."

"That sounds good," Odette said, "So where can we find this Jarvis and her Encarta?"

"You're going to have to go to Dust Town..."

NEXT TIME ON DRAGON AGE ORIGINS!!!: "Six bits for a tumble...2 silver for the lot of ya!"


	15. Dragon Age - S01E15 - Law & Order: SDU (Special Dwarf Unit)

**COLD OPEN!**

The streets of Dust Town were all but deserted this late at night save for the drunks, addicts and prostitutes.

"Oi six bits for a tumble...2 silver for the lot of ya!" the strung-out lyrium junkie dwarf sex-worker shouted at a group of passing day laborer dwarfs, heading home after spending their days earnings on cheap gut-rot and nug-gets of questionable origin.

"Outta my way skank..." a rough and tumble tattoo dwarf said and he walked by.

Angered, the junkie dwarf sex-worker threw her Duster Boot at the rough and tumble dwarf who just laughed as the boot fell woefully short of its intended target. "Lousy crumbum!" the sex-worker shouted as she bent down to pick up her thrown boot and came face to face with a dead body.

 **Opening Credits**  
  
  
  
Detective Odette Corvette raised the visor on her juggernaut helm and looked at the body of a dead dwarf stuffed in the trash.  "Who called it in?" she asked the dwarven street cop standing nearby.

"That hooker over there.  Says she had nothing to do with it, but I dunno.  You know how the casteless can be," the beat cop said.

"No officer, I don't know how they can be.  Care to tell me?" Odette replied with an imperious tone.

"I didn't mean nothing by it...jeez...surface dwellers..."

Odette walked over to the sex-worker and flashed her Grey Warden badge, "Hi miss my name's ~~Olivia Benson~~ Odette Corvette, would you mind answering a couple questions for me?"

"That nug over there was talking like I had something to do with this!" the sex-worker said and then shouted at the beat cop, "But I didn't.  You hear that nug?  I had nothing to do with this!"

"Alright, alright," Odette said, "I don't think you had anything to do with this, but maybe you saw someone who might have.  You work here often?"

"Every night ma'am," the sex-worker said, "Six bits for a tumble..."

"Okay, okay..." Odette interrupted, "Did you notice anything suspicious last night?"

"Well, that house over there," she said pointing, "It's usually pretty empty, but last night there were people coming in and out all night long.  Maybe one of them saw something."

"Thanks miss, you've been a big help."

Odette and her partner, Leliana Stab-ler, approached the house and noticed blood on the front stoop.  Leilana knocked and shouted, "Grey Wardens! Open up!"  There was no reply, so Odette nodded and kicked the door in.  Inside a gang of tattoo dwarfs were lurking with intent to loom.  The lead gang guy smirked a gap toothed grin and shouted, "Yer outta yer element Warden."

"Hey! Are you in Jarvis' Encarta?  We were supposed to find you guys."

"Maybe...what's it to you?" the gang asked.

"Well if you help me maybe we'll let you go."

"Nothing doing nug!"

FIGHT IT OUT!!!!

Odette and her party stood victorious over the dwarf gangsters, but were not yet any closer to solving the mystery of how to kill Jarvis.  Except for one thing...one of the gangsters had a fingerbone in his pocket.  Undoubtedly that was the key literally and figuratively, but mostly literally, to solving the entire mystery once and for all.  Fingerbone in hand Odette and her crew approached the completely not suspicious at all building with a slot in the door and unsavory characters hanging about outside.  Odette slid the finger into the slot and the door popped open.

"That was deceptively easy..." Sideboob said, "You would do well to be mindful heading forward."

"Yeah I'm sure we'll be okay," Odette said motioning to indicate her Juggernaut armor and BIGASS SWORD™, "By the way Sideboob are you wearing plate mail?  How is that even possible?"

"Oh about that, I guess I'm some kind of battle mage now."

"When did that even happen?"

"I'm not sure.  I just noticed it the last time we were at camp."

"Well congratulations on the mysterious upgrade...sucks to be Brodude though.  Now that you can wear hand-me-down juggernaut armor and use a BIGASS HAMMER! that dude is never getting unbenched," Odette said and she, Sideboob, Winnie, and Leliana, all laughed heartily at Brodude's misfortune, "Anyway, let's go solve this crime."

Down the passageway there were some rough-looking characters.  One of them was like, "What's the password?"

"Um...I think it was, 'TIME TO DIE DIRTBAG!!!'" Odette shouted and then it was battle time.  
  
  
ENDLESS BATTLE TIME!!!!!!

MORE BATTLE TIME!!!!!!

DWARF DEATH!!!!

BIGASS SWORD™!!!!

WIZARD HAMMER!!!!!

Finally after a lot of battling the party of detectives found themselves in the final boss' lair.  A lady dwarf appeared from somewhere and Odette knew instinctively that she was Jarvis because of the name floating over her head announcing her as such.  The lady dwarf clapped sarcastically and was all like, "I'm impressed copper.  Few make it to my lair...well, no matter, you'll never leave here alive."

"NOPE!!! IT'S YOU WHO'S GOING TO DIE!!!!" Odette shouted and BIGASS SWORD™ed Jarvis.

There was a clash of steel against steel and all kinds of explosions as people ran around accidentally triggering traps.  Finally when all was said and done, Jarvis was dead.  Odette and Co. headed towards the gangster shop and bust through a wall in Drogo's dad's armor shop.  He was pretty furious, but Odette was like, "Grey Warden business..." and he shut up.

Back at the precinct Captain Congressman Hargraver was like, "Good job detective, but there's another case we gotta solve?"

"Oh?"

"Yup.  Where in the World is Braga SanDiego!  DO IT ROCKAPELLA!!!"  
  
  
  
NEXT TIME ON DRAGON AGE ORIGINS!!!: "I'd take a roll with you!"  "One two buckle my shoe, three four devour some spew!"


	16. Dragon Age - S01E16 - Where In The World Is Braga San Diego?

**COLD OPEN!!!!**  
  
"I feel as though perhaps we were not as thorough as we could have been in looting the royal palace," Odette said as she and her companions crept about the Royal Dwarven Palace of Dwarvington, "Like what was the deal with those clicky floor tiles? Those clearly did something."

"For someone who has stacks of random armor that 'Someone might need when they level up,' and thus have no space in their myriad backpacks to pick up new treasure do you really think it neccessary to seek out other bonus treasure?" Sideboob asked.

_Click!_

"Hey...'battle mage'...where do you think that Dwarven Plate Armor you're wearing came from? If I sold everything you'd still be walking around in some kind of Danish bustier."

_Click!_

"I suppose you are right.  Let us proceed with the looting then," Sideboob replied, "Where pray tell is your little friend, Leliana?"

"She was out by the front door looking around for things to steal," Odette replied.

_Click!_

A terrible roar filled the air, "ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAR!!!!!"

"Is that a dragon?" Sideboob asked.

"Well I guess we know what those clicky things do now..." Odette said as the dragon rushed towards her barfing fire all over the goddamn place.

**Opening Credits!**

The team of Odette, Leliana, Sideboob the Battle Mage, and Winnie Cooper headed towards the Mines of Madness at the behest of Congressman Hargraver.  The Mines were, of course, the entrance to the Deep Roads which were possibly like the Chunnel, but probably not.  Every dwarf talking about the Deep Roads were all like, "Lyrium Madness...darkfiends...fall of dwarven civilization," so Odette did not have very high hopes.  As they approached the Mines they were accosted by a dwarf that was red.  Everything about him was red including his nose.  He stunk of rum and jell-o shots and had a Long Island iced tea in his off-hand.

"Sodding sod sod sod sodding sod sodder!" the dwarf said.

"Um, we've been tasked by Congressman Hargraver to find Baraga.  His data says she's in the Deep Roads," Odette replied.  She'd take Dwarven back in high school and understood enough of what the drunk dwarf had said, though his speech was nowhere near as precise as her high school dwarven teacher, Mister Stonefist's, had been.

"Sodding sodden sod Baraga sod sodded soddingly."

"So you know Baraga and have an idea of where she might be?"

"Sod!  Sod sodding soddest sodding Occam sod sod soddialy sod."

"Hail and well met Occam let us be off!"

"Odette there are too many party members now...one of us is going to have to stay behind if you're taking that dwarf along with you," Sideboob Battle-Mage said.

"Okay, go back to camp and wait for us Sideboob.  Ask Brodude if he'll teach _you_ how to be a templar..." Odette said, "Okay guys let's rock out!"

"Sodding sodder."

The Deep Roads reminded Odette of Moria from Lord of the Rings and while strolling along battling not-orcs and not-goblins and ogres and spiders and tiny dinosaurs she could not help but wonder how long it would be before a balrog attacked the party and killed Winnie Cooper since she was the old wizard in the party of otherwise useless "heroes."  She wasn't too worried though because she knew if that did come to pass...if Winnie did fight a giant S&M demon on a bridge and get whipped in the leg as the fiend fell into the pit she would scream "Fly!  Fly you fools!" and would come back as Winnie the White in the next book so they'd be alright at the final battle.

"Sodding sod, sodder sodicity sod Carn Thang sodding sod," "Occam belched drunkenly.

"Then on to Carn Thang!" Odette declared.

He grinned at Winnie and was like, "Sod soddingly sodden...I'd roll yah!"

Man, that dwarf was getting on Odette's last nerve.  He was like the opposite of Brodude but equally annoying.  Maybe that's why she preferred the company of women...or gay men like Shale or Slate or whatever the Rockman's name was and ZEV!...ZEV! was pretty alright.  She just had to finish up this mission and then she could bench him and get Sideboob back.

"Sod! Soddamagog sod soddy sodden Carn Thang sodded."

Carn Thang was a wreck and a half.  All the buildings were knocked over and shitty and there were some ghosts and shit that attacked but Odette and company reigned supreme with skillz with a z and BIGASS SWORDs™.  All the ghosts died again and also some rockmans that were not Slate or Shale or Slagheap or whatever the gay rockman's name was.  They also found some crazy dwarf.  He talked about eating not-orcs and had a weird arrow over his head, so Odette realized he was important, but he attacked so Odette had no choice but to kill him, which she did with the greatest of ease.

They then found a book written by Baraga about going to the Dead Trenches.   So that is where Odette and Co. went.   As soon as they arrived Odette watched some kind of Dragon fly around and breathe purple fire.  "I hope to Christ we don't have to fight that," Odette said, "Even with Sideboob we got owned by that huge dragon on the mountain...and that one didn't even have purple fire!"  Fortunately the dragon just flew away, leaving only not-orcs and not-goblins and ogres to fight.

Odette soon realized that while Deep Roads and Carn Thang were pretty much Lord of the Rings, the Dead Trenches were basically a level in Diablo III.  There was gross shit all over the place: blob piles and organic matter and corruption (police and otherwise) and Vice (the website) and disgusting body horror.  After too much time wandering through tunnels the party discovered a dirty lady dwarf.  She was not Baraga, but she was from Baraga's party.  She told some sort of double dutch chant about eating dwarves and turning into a fiend and then disappeared into a room.

After killing some more ghosts and getting a key Odette and Co. went into the room and discovered a BBW Titty Demon with octopus arms.  It was a rough fight and Odette and Leliana both got knocked the fuck out.

"SODDING SOD SODDERS!!!!" Occam bellowed and he and Winnie Cooper saved the day and slew the BBW Titty Demon.  With the BBW Titty Demon bested the party entered the Anvil of the Void and finally found Baraga.  At first Odette thought Baraga was pretty alright.  She taunted Occam about being a shitty husband and revealed that his overall shittiness had caused her to become a lesbian, but Baraga soon revealed herself to be a totally horrible person.  She had killed a bunch of her crew and turned them into darkfiends to test traps like in Saw 5.  

Upon hearing this plot dump, Odette was all like, "You're gross, but I need you so we can pick a king and get bodies to fight the Blight.  I'll get the Anvil for you."

There were traps!  Some Leliana could disarm, some Odette had to click on to turn off.  Finally the party came to a big room.  Iron Man was there.  
  
  
_Iron Man: Dwarven Paragon_  
  
"Hey guys!  I'm Iron Man!  I made the Anvil of Void and used it to make golems, but to make golems I needed souls.  The Anvil is pretty much the shittiest shit ever," Iron Man said.

At precisely that exact moment Baraga showed up and was like, "Yo dudes!!! The Anvil's mine!!!!"

"Okay Baraga I'll help you get that Anvil...if you help me make a king!" Odette said in reply, but Winnie Cooper was not cool with this.

"(marge simpson noise) Taking someone's soul is a shitty thing to do," Winnie Cooper said.

"Meh...it wouldn't be the worst thing I've done," Odette replied not really giving a huge crap about what Winnie Cooper thought, "Ask Brodude about his foster mom some time..."

"Sweet attentive Odette, I think such a device is wicked," Leliana said.

Leliana's gentle words moved her heart and Odette decided to throw up the double deuce at Braga and help Iron Man instead, "Oh okay!  Iron Man I'll help you destroy it!  Consequences be damned."

"Sodding sod sodding Baraga soddest sod!"

"Meh...you're annoying anyway dwarf.  Sorry Baraga, we're destroying the anvil!"

FIGHT IT OUT!!!!

"Good job anonymous hero!" Iron Man said, "For you help I shall grant you a boon."

"Help me pick a king dude!  We need a paragon!"

"I don't give a shit about those guys but I'll give you a sweet crown.  You go pick afterwards."

"Ok cool."

"Here's your crown hero...now destroy the anvil!"

"I dunno Iron Man you look mightier than me...I doubt I can break it if you couldn't..."

"Just try."

SMASHED MAGIC ANVIL!!!!!!

"Wow," Odette said staring in amazement at the anvil she had totally bustigated.

"Okay hero, I'm going to jump in lava now...catch ya on the flipside!" Iron Man said, and then with a final bellow of "SUICIDAL!!!!!" he leaped into the pit of lava and totally melted like Arnold Schwarzenegger at the end of _Terminator 2: Judgement Day_. 

"Bye Iron Man!  Quick back to the Hall of Justice!  We've got a king to crown with the Iron Man Crown!" Odette shouted.

In the Hall of Justice all hell was breaking loose, but Odette strolled in like a boss and was like, "Yo guys Baraga's dead and the Anvil's totally fucked over, but I met Iron Man and he gave me this sick crown."

"WHO DID HE PICK AS KING!"

"He totally told me to do it!" Odette replied.

Prince Belham was like, "Bullshit!  Everyone knows she likes Congressman Hargraver better than me!  Anyway who do you pick?"

"I pick Hargraver...his man wasn't a dick to me like your's was Prince Belham...next time pick better secretaries dude.  They're really the face of your company."

Some old times dwarf declared Hargraver king and then some dwarven dancelord was like "LOOK OUT RICK HE'S PACKIN' HEAT!!!" as Prince Belham and his dancelords tried to get some Senatorial revenge.  
  
  
  
Odette and dwarves wrecked some other dwarves.

BLOOD ON THE DANCE FLOOR!

At the end of the fight King Hargraver was like, "Yo dude thanks for the kingship...I'll get some mens ready for you to rumble with the Blight.  Also here's my congressman stick.  I guess it's good if you want to duel Andrew Jackson or other surly duelists.  Peace out yo!"

"Peace out..." Odette replied.

That night back at camp the gay rockman, Shale or Slate or whatever graveled up to Odette and said, "Yo, I heard you saw the Dwarven Paragon, Iron Man.  What's up with that guy?"

Odette looked at the rockman and said, "Iron Man jumped in lava."

"And the Anvil?"

"Destroyed, just like Iron Man wanted."

"Oh too bad, I guess I'll never know about my past unless you know something about it...did Iron Man say anything?"

"Yeah but you might not like it."

"Try me."

"Golems used to be people."

Slate or Shale or Slade or whatever looked nonplussed and said, "Like soylent green?  Oh that's weird...why don't we go look around in the Deep Roads...maybe something there will jog my memory and I'll remember where I came from."

"You got it Slate or Shale or Slade or whatever, but first I think we need to go work on making that moron over there King of Feldspar or whatever," Odette replied pointing at Brodude.

NEXT TIME ON A VERY SPECIAL EPISODE OF DRAGON AGE ORIGINS!!!!: Will Brodude accept his faith and become King of Feldspar or will Logain stand victorious at the Kingsmoot?  



	17. Dragon Age - S01E17 - Side Quest-a-Go-Go!

"Welcome to my Denerim bungalow!!" Earl Redcliffe proclaimed excitedly swinging his arm to point out exactly what the bungalow entailed, but before Odette had a chance to be like, "Yo, this is a pretty sweet bungalow," that jerkass, Logain Pissdrinker came sauntering in with the middle age dude in a skirt with axes on his back.

Logain was pretty pissed off about Odette and Earl Redcliffe being there and was like, "How can you guys do this when there's a Blight going on? C'mon guys we need to unite to fight the Blight...it rhymes so you know it's true."

This pissed Odette off more than anyone, except maybe Brodude, but who knows, because he literally had stopped talking to her, so she had no idea what he was thinking anymore. Odette tore Logain a new a-hole over the "we gotta stick together during a Blight," bullshit he was spitting and called him out for abandoning the Grey Wardens during Ostgaurd. He was none to pleased and said some stuff about treason, but whatever, Odette's fury was righteous and about to get even more righteous, for the man in the skirt with the axes on his back was none other than that duplicetous bastard, Carl Howe!

"I swear to Christ Carl Howe, you're going to pay for what you did to my family!" Odette spat.

Some horrible woman was like, "Are you a moron? You just threatened the life of Carl in front of like 29 people."

Odette glared at the horrible woman and made the "your dead" finger across the throat motion. The woman smirked in a bitchy fashion. Odette added her to the list of names of people she had to get revenge on at some point: Carl Howe, Logain, Brodude, that horrible woman. The dragon that was high as fuck on meth had been on that list, but right before coming to Denerim she and her posse had totally wrecked his shit...well, sort of, Brodude got knocked the fuck out, as did her beloved Leliana, leaving only her and Winnie Cooper to battle the beast, but then the dragon bit her and shook her around like nobody's business, and the next thing she knew she was coming to next to the corpse of a dragon. She'd have to find something to do to thank Winnie Cooper for her dragon ownage, but that was neither here nor there. The Kingsmoot was the matter at hand!

Logain and Howe and their cronies bailed and as they walked away, Odette totally flipped them off behind their backs. Once they were gone, Earl Redcliffe was all like, "As I was saying dudes, this is my sweetass bungalow, make yourselves at home! I'll be upstairs in my office planning how to win this Kingsmoot, come talk to me when you're ready."

Odette went up to the dude's office and saw a pretty hot lady elf in the room with him. Brodude was also there, staring at a wall. Odette decided to try to talk with him, "Sup dawg," but Brodude was just like, "It's been awhile since I've been here...they changed the dining room furniture," but still wouldn't let her know how to be a templar or talk about anything else. Whatever. She'd tried, but if he didn't want to forgive her there wasn't anything she could do. She'd just have to work doubly hard to make sure Brodude won the Kingsmoot so he'd be out of her hair once and for all.

"Yo Earl Redcliffe, who's your ladyfriend?" Odette asked, "You didn't waste any time after we killed your wife with Blood Magic did ya? Wink wink. Nudge nudge."

"I'm not humping this ladyelf," Earl Redcliffe protested, "She's Queen Amidala's handmaiden and she has terrible news!"

The ladyelf spoke in an Orleans accent causing Odette's loins to moisten like a moist towelette. Oh that accent! Why did she find it so irresistible? "FOCUS ODETTE!" she thought to herself, "This lady is giving us important plot..."

"Ahnd soo zee Queen waz taken prizonerrrr by zee 'orribluh Carl 'Ow..." the Orleans elf said.

"WE GOTTA SAVE A QUEEN!" Odette shouted.

"Carl 'Ow haz hired many new girlzzz. I have zee uniform. It should be e-zee to zneak in non? Hoh-hoh-hoh..." the ladyelf said and then was like, "I muzt go or people, they will become zuzpicouz non? À bientôt, j'espère."

Earl Redcliffe did a fist pump and was like, "YES! If Logain is willing to do this to his own daughter than perhaps we have a chance. If we can free her, than maybe she will be able to reveal Logain's terrible secrets to us and we can use them to help Brodude win."

"Sounds like a plan."

"Okay Odette. In addition to saving the Queen, I want you to hit the bricks in Denerim and see what's going on. If you can talk to some nobles and see what's up we might have a better idea of where we stand," Earl Redcliffe said.

"Alright...I told you it sounded like a plan. We'll do it!"

Odette stepped out of the office and told some maid, "Yo, you work here right?"

"Yes, sir," the maid replied.

"I'm not a dude. Anyway can you find my posse and tell them there's a staff meeting in my room in five minutes?"

"Right away my lord!" the maid replied and ran off to find Shale and Doug the Dog.

Six minutes later, Odette was concluding her speech, "So that's what we gotta do...sneak into Carl Howe's fortress of solitude dressed as maids, find the Queen and get her out. Personally I'd rather kick in the front door and cut down any motherfucker who steps to us, but that probably wouldn't play well with the 'due process' people and it's looking like Brodude is going to need all the help he can get if he wants to win this Kingsmoot."

"Nice speech toots!" Occam burped.

"Holy shit...you can actually talk?" Odette declared, "I though you were like a Pokemon and could only say variations on the word 'sod.'"

"Sodding sodder," Occam belched.

"Anyway, while saving a Queen and possibly ridding ourselves of Brodude Heroman once and for all by making him King is a great a noble task, that is not why I have brought you here today. Before we do this, I wanted to thank you all for all the help you've given me...except you Sten. You haven't done anything since I got you out of that cage, but that's beside the point. Since you've all helped me so much I figure, now is the perfect time for me to help all of you...before we save the Queen and get deep into some deep political intrigue bullshit."

There was a smattering of applause.

"We are first going to travel to the Deep Roads to help Slate find his lost memories," Odette began.

"Sodding sod! Sodding Deep Roads sodder soddest sodded."

"Fine, you can't come Occam," Odette said.

_(While this speech is happening a montage of the party completing this quest is shown. Slate learns that they used to be a dwarf. I learn that Slate was supposed to be a lady and was not a Harvey Fierstein-esque homosexual. Fortunately there were later conversation options to express this surprise)._

"Next, we will travel to Denmark and see if the Danes there know anything of Winnie Cooper's lost student," Odette continued.

"I am most certain he was slain by the Templars," Winnie interjected.

"Perhaps he was, but it shan't hurt to go and ask," Odette replied.

_(Another montage is shown. Winnie Cooper finds her long lost student and apologizes for being a jerk to him)._

"And finally, as I am sure you can all imagine, we're going to go and kill Flemith for Sideboob. This one, more than the others I do not expect to be easy. We're going to need our best, but since our best can't actually come we're going to need Brodude...or maybe that dwarf."

"Sodding sod?"

"Sod."

"Soddagon sod sodden sods."

_(A montage of Brodude being knocked the fuck out by a dragon while Odette, Winnie Cooper, and Leliana kill Flemith is shown)._

"I figure that once we do that, and maybe even rough up some of the unsavory characters that lurk in Denerim: drunk rowdies and sneak-thieves and the sort, we'll be ready to think about saving a Queen."

"But Odette what of the Crows?" ZEV! asked, "They still, how you say, want me dead and have a presence here in Denerim."

"Don't worry buddy, if the Crows try anything I'll cut 'em to pieces," Odette replied, "You know first hand that I'm good and stopping Crows."

"That you are my friend."

_(Montage of nicely asking drunks to leave a bar and fighting Crows in the streets)._

"Alright guys! So let's get out there and save the day!"

NEXT TIME ON DRAGON AGE ORIGINS!!!: Odette and company move to save Queen Amidala, but Carl Howe has different plans. Will the party save the day or will Carl Howe finally kill the last of the Corvettes? Tune in next time to find out!


	18. Dragon Age - S01E18 - Shawshank Redemption

"A girl might find a scroll in that chest. A girl might read that scroll, and if she finds the content interesting and happens to hear of something awful befalling the person mentioned on that scroll in her travels, a girl may wish to return here and tell me what she has learned. Perhaps if Master Julio Ignacio finds the girl's story interesting, he may have a gift for the girl. Does a girl understand?"

"Yeah we're cool here guy," Odette said looking at the contents of the scroll. At first it seemed rather mundane: an ambush at a ransom exchange, but the name of the target: Craig Cockmuggler...he was one of Carl Howe's men. She was going to enjoy this.

At the prescribed time and place, she, Sideboob, Leliana and Occam the dwarf laid in wait. She would have preferred to have taken Winnie Cooper along, but Winnie didn't really have the stomach for this sort of work. Better to let the old biddy chillax back at the bungalow with ZEV! and his deep tissue massages. He had apparently picked up the skills of a masseuse somewhere in his travels, though only Winnie had ever taken him up on his offer of free backrubs. She did swear by them though...maybe Odette would have to try them out sometime.

From her hiding place she watched Howe's men approach. They didn't have the boy. The bastards had double crossed her! She nodded to Leliana and Sideboob and added, "Sod," to Occam and the foursome rushed Howe's men. Steel met flesh as she tore through her most reviled foe's minions. She hardly noticed the battle raging around her as she assailed her target.

"Mercy...I beg for mercy!" the soldier before her wailed. His face was a bloody wreck and his leg was all fucked up from where he'd stepped in a trap Odette realized she must have set in her fury.

"Mercy?!" she scoffed, oblivious to the fact that the her party and the other Crows were all watching, "What mercy did you have for Brodude Guardsman? What mercy did you give my sister-by-law? My father? What mercy did you show sweet Iona!?!"

"Please milady...we was just following orders..." the soldier sobbed. He had clearly urinated in his slacks, "Please milady...mercy."

"I'll give you mercy alright...the mercy of a quick death!"

The weepy soldier didn't have time to reply as Odette daggered him to death and then shouted to her companions, "C'mon we have a queen to save!"

\---

"Winnie Cooper get your stuff! We've got a queen to save!" Odette shouted as they walked into the bungalow.  
  
The old woman nodded and asked Occam, "What's wrong with her?" as the dwarf walked dejectedly away from Odette, but Occam just replied, "Sodding sodden sod sod sod..."  
  
The mood as the four ladies walked across Denerim was tense to say the least. Odette scarcely said two words as they walked from the bungalow of Earl Redcliffe to Carl Howe's manorhouse where they met the Queen's handmaiden.  
  
"Ah zere you are...quickly zis way!" she said, "Put zese uniformz on and wait in ze bushes..." she said in her adorable Orleans accent, "I will distract ze guards."  
  
Odette was like, "What bushes? Where are these bushes you're talking about?" and as she was about to say, "We have uniforms on anyway..." one of the guards was like, "What ho? I do believe there are intruders yonder!"  
  
"F this sneaking around nonsense..." Odette said, "I don't roll that way anyway!!! BIGASS SWORD™ FOR IONA AND MAYBE MY MOM AND DAD TOOOOOOO!!!!"  
  
The French maid was like, "Zo much for ze element of zuprize..." but Odette didn't even care about the sarcasm. Howe was in there and he was going to die.  
  
Remarkably the French maid's disguise worked once away from the guards outside the manorhouse. Inside they could move about freely and Leliana could even steal everything that was not nailed down without anyone being like, "Oi wut you think your doin' mate?" Odette was quite surprised how well the entire prison break was going until they reached the room where the Queen was being held. Some kind of magic shit was sealing the door shut and in spite having a mage and a witch in her party neither of them could do shit about it.  
  
The Queen was like, "Yo dawg, I bet the wizard that did this shit is hanging out in Howe's room down the hall!"  
  
"Alright we'll go down the hall then. French maid? You stay here."  
  
They strolled down the hall with Leliana stealing things, and rooms being entered willy-nilly. Things were going swimmingly until they entered the room in which some guardsman was getting a blowjob from a maid. Of all the guards in the entire manorhouse the one who realized that something was amiss was the dude with his pants down and cock in a maid's mouth.  
  
"INTRUDERS!!!!!!" he shouted as he removed his modest cock and tried to pull up his pants. Sideboob Battlemage never let him. The dude was totally magic fucked.  
  
"Well, that was fun while it lasted..." Odette said, "No more sneaking. Let's do this!" They power jammed to Carl Howe's room but when they got there they just found one guard. The guard was all like, "I'll kill you guys..." but suddenly some one grabbed him from behind and totally fucked the guard up. A nude man appeared and was like, "Yo what's up! You must be Duncan's recruit. I'm a Grey Warden too. Anyway thanks for the rescue, but I need to get to a healer...I'll catch you later yo. Oh...Howe's down in the basement doing something. Go get him! He's a total fart knocker."  
  
Down in the basement, the fought a bunch of guards and freed a couple prisoners. There was a templar who saw some shit, and some kind of Band's son, and an elf who probably would have been plot if Odette had been a city elf, but she had no idea who he was because she was a noble human. Further down in the basement they found Howe. Odette threatened his shit a couple times and then there was a fight. Howe's shit was completely and utterly ruined. He was a wreck and was all like, "I deserved more than this..." and then he just died. It was kind of weak. A more extreme death was warranted for an asshole of that magnitude, but whatever.  
  
Odette got a key and a Howe Axe that she gave to Leliana since she was the only one who could use it. There was also a key that Odette used to open another prison cell, though who was there she cannot recall...maybe Rexell? Maybe some other dude. There was another guy in jail too, claiming to be the Earl of Denerim. He said he would support Brodude in the Kingsmoot, but was kind of rude about it, so Odette was like, "Meh, lemme think about it." He then called her a "fat whore," so Odette decided to kill him, but couldn't use the key to open the door anymore. While attempting to use the key to open the sexist piece of shit's cell to kill him, Redhead was like, "We need to talk...about ZEV!."  
  
"ZEV!? What about him?"  
  
"I thought what we had was special you and I, but I see the way he looks at you and hear the way you flirt with him."  
  
"Seriously? I haven't done anything with ZEV! besides talk to him in camp...it's not my fault all his conversation choices are either over the top flirting, or 'You're a fucking piece of shit,'" Odette wanted to say, but found herself unable to do so and thus replied, "I should have ended it with ZEV! a long time ago."  
  
Leliana was satisfied with this answer but added, "We'll talk about it more later."  
  
"YOU FAT SOW!!! YOU STUPID WHORE!!" the annoying piece of shit continued to scream.  
  
"You know what dude? You're on your own. We've got a Queen to save."  
  
Upstairs the Queen was decked out in some armor and ready to roll, but as soon as the party got to the foyer, that heinous woman from the other day was there with like 900 guards and screaming about arresting Odette for the murder of Carl Howe. How she knew about the murder that had taken place three minutes earlier and went unseen and was able to rustle up 900 guards before Odette had gotten to the front door was somewhat mysterious, but Odette screamed, "YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE COPPER!!!" and fought it out.  
  
She killed the heinous woman and a bunch of guards, but 900 guards proved too much even for her and she got knocked the fuck out. When she came to she was in prison herself...totally alone.

\---  
  
Leliana walked into Earl Redcliffe's office nervously turning her hat about in her hands, "Earl Redcliffe...Redcliffe? Perhaps the clay is a strange red color? Oh I'm sorry...there's been a bit of trouble with rescuing the queen. While we were able to rescue her...my sweet and attentive Odette was captured by some 'orrible woman! We have to get her back!"


	19. Dragon Age - S01E19 - 2 Shawshank 2 Redemption

Odette awoke totally nude in a prison cell somewhere other than Carl Howe's basement S&M lair. This sucked. Very few good things had happened to her while nude. Iona had been murdered, she'd walked in fire, and now she was in a prison cell somewhere. Perhaps the only good thing to come of being nude was humping Leliana. A sudden panic seized her. What had happened to Leliana, or to a lesser extent, Sideboob and Winnie Cooper? Had they been captured as well? She looked into the cell next to hers and some kind of beardo with a pretty wicked black eye.

"Errr...you're up? What are you going to do 'Grey Warden?'"

"I guess break the fuck out of prison by myself...I'm not sitting around here waiting for my friends and talking to a drunk hobo like you!"

"Good luck with that," the drunk hobo replied.

At precisely that moment a guard happened to stroll by. "What a fortuitous turn of events!" Odette thought and then summoned the guard. She considered briefly flirting with the guy and offering to blow him, but as she had learned not long ago, anonymous guards getting oral are super attentive and thus not only would she have to blow a guy, she would also, probably not be able to escape...and so when the guard came near the cell to tell her to shut her face, Odette coldcocked the guy and killed him with a single punch. She snagged a mace and a key from the guy's corpse and busted out of her cell. Before heading off to escape, she let the anonymous prisoner out.

"Thanks a lot Grey Warden..."

"No problem man! Vote for Brodude in the upcoming Kingsmoot!"

Odette gave the mace a couple practice swings as the anonymous prisoner hauled ass out of the prison. It wasn't as nice as BIGASS SWORD™, but it would have to suffice. She took a step towards the door and noticed a treasure box which she opened, discovering all her gear inside. Thank the Maker for small miracles...she would not have to brawl in the nude with a shitty mace after all. Odette sneaked quite sneakily into an armory and put on some guard garb and then proceeded to accidentally talk to a Colonel or something who told her to got in the stock room and move pallets and prepare for an inspection.

Things did not go particular well for Odette in the stock room since the other grunts in there somehow saw through he disguise and she found herself unable to bluff her way out of a sticky situation. No matter, she had a BIGASS SWORD™ and that was way more persuasive than anything she could have said to those guards. And thusly she chopped guards to pieces and chopped Colonels to pieces and chopped dogs to pieces and chopped a lady guard to pieces and soon found herself attacked by a Captain, but before she could chop him to pieces also, Leliana and Sideboob arrived. They joined in the fray and soon all the dudes were dead.

Leliana was glad to see her but somewhat saddened that they never got a chance to try out their, "Really cool rescue plan." Odette promised to make it up to her by showing her where some stuff she could steal was. A few moments (and extra armor chunks later) the trio departed from the fortress and headed back to Earl Redcliffe's summer bungalow.

"Welcome back dudes!" he declared, "It's nice to see you are in one piece still. Good job saving the Queen. Her she is to tell you some plot."

"My dad's an asshole, elves are super pissed off but we don't know why...maybe you can check it out and see what my dad is up to. Also Brodude might not be a good king...how about a Queen? How about me?"

"I'll think about it lady."

"Okay..I'll take my leave now...come talk to me later."

"Sure thing."

"Dudes, right now we have an uneasy alliance with her, but we can't trust her too much."

"I dunno guy, she's pretty skilled and Brodude doesn't know much about being King."

"That's what I've been telling you the whole time!" Brodude whined.

"Shut it Brodude...why's it important that we have King Crux's bloodline continue on the throne anyway?"

"I didn't fight a shit war with Orleans to give up the throne to a not Royal so easily!" Earl shouted forcefully.

"I guess that makes sense. Anyway I got some shit to do.  Leliana was kind of pissed at me earlier for maybe flirting with ZEV! or something...I don't really know."

"That's cool. Go talk to that Queen too, she could be a valuable ally or a terrible foe."

As Odette moved towards the door to leave she noticed that that Grey Warden guy from Howe's sex dungeon was chilling in Earl Redcliffe's office. Odette was glad to see that he had apparently found a healer during her time in the slammer for he was looking hail and hearty. They shot the shit about Grey Wardens and Weisshaupt or something like that. It was filled with foreigners and Grey Warden #4 was not all about it. He was all about some treasure room in a warehouse that had a bunch of Grey Warden treasures. When he uttered the word "treasure," Leliana appeared and was like, "C'mon let's go!"

So off they went to a storeroom.  The storeroom was stocked from wall to wall with boxes and crates just waiting to be looted.  Leliana licked her lips and rubbed her hands together at the prospect of stealing a vast quantity of equipment.  "Odette, my love, may I?" the redheaded bard asked with an coquettish smirk.

"By all means!" Odette said and Leliana threw herself into thieving everything that was not nailed down.  All manner of crap was looted by the bard: potions, herbs, injury kits...and Duncan's Shield.  "Oh man, Brodude will love this shit!" Leliana said as she handed the dead Warden's shield to Odette and continued stuffeng injury kits into her skirt pockets.

"You know you're right! He will!," Odette exclaimed, "Maybe he'll finally show me all he knows about Templaring.  C'mon finish what you're doing and let's get back to the bungalow."

Back at the bungalow Odette awkwardly handed Brodude the shield, "I found this and recognized the crest, and...well, you said you wanted something to remember him by."

Tears welled up in Brodude's eyes, "Thank you...this...this is perfect. I really can't thank you enough."

"Are we cool now?"

"Yeah we're cool..."

"So could you teach me to be a templar?"

"I already told you I wouldn't...the answer is still no."

"OH FOR FUCKING FUCK'S SAKE BRODUDE!  I JUST GAVE YOU THE SHIELD OF YOUR DEAD MENTOR!  YOU KNOW WHAT?  FUCK YOU DUDE!"

NEXT TIME ON DRAGON AGE ORIGINS: Tune in next time and find out what horrible secrets lurk behind the walls of the Alienage on an all new Dragon Age Origins!!!


	20. Dragon Age - S01E20 - GAME OF THRONES SEASON WHATEVER, EPISODE 9...AKA THE EPISODE WHERE ALL THE COOL SHIT HAPPENS!

The air in the alienage was sweltering and smelled most foul. From somewhere up ahead Odette could hear dozens of angry voices yelling.

"Let's see what that hubbub is all about," Odette said, "C'mon."

She set off in the direction of the yelling with Winnie Cooper, Leliana, and ZEV! trailing alongside her. It had been awhile since ZEV! had taken to the field, but it seemed pertinent to have an elf along with her in the alienage. You never knew when one of the denizens would only know how to speak Elven (Kebler or Legolasian) plus ZEV! had taken in a wolf at some point, and the wolf would be a boon in close quarter fighting if it came to that.

A few minutes later they found themselves before a great assemblage of elves. The elves were yelling some shit about a plague and disappeared elves and Davinter magicks but Odette found the entire thing confusing like that time in college when she dated some girl who took her to a communist rally.

Odette approached the apparent ringleader and the elf, in a super rude voice, was like, "What do you want Shemp? Oh wait...are you that Grey Warden who saved some dude elf from Howe?"

"Sure am. I couldn't let anyone suffer at that dicksack, Howe's, hands. What's going on here? Is this about the plight of the working man?"

"There's been a plague that the Davinters there have allegedly been working to heal, but it's totally weird because no one who has gone into that hospice has come out."

"That is pretty weird. We'll check it out for you," Odette said.

"They're not going to just let you in you know," the red headed elf said, "The Davinters don't take kindly to people poking around in their business.

Odette laughed and patted her BIGASS SWORD™ and said, "I can be pretty persuasive. We'll get to the bottom of this."

Near the protest Odette spotted a Templar. "Dude! Are you okay? Your eyes are all fucked up."

"Oh yeah, lost my sight in a blood mage attack but I can still do Templaring."

"That's cool. I wish I could do Templaring but Brodude's being a jerk."

"I could teach you if you could help me out. There's some funky shit going on here but without eyeballs it's hard for me to find clues."

"Clues like a dead dog and blood and a crazy lady by the orphanage?" Odette asked, "Because we just saw that kind of shit on our way over here."

"Exactly! It must be blood mages in the orphanage with the candlestick!  Let's roll!" Ser Blind exclaimed like he was a goddamn detective.

In the orphanage the party and Ser Blind fought and killed two demons. After killing the second Ser Blind was all like, "Dudes we totally owned that demon...oh I've been stabbed with a pitchfork...6.4! This death is mediocre at best!"

The demon, who moments early had been dead was suddenly alive again. Odette was fuming.  "YOU STUPID BASTARD DEMON!  THAT BLIND DUDE WAS GOING TO TEACH ME HOW TO BE A TEMPLAR!!!" she shouted and BIGASS SWORD™ed the fuck out of the demon.

"I guess the mystery of the orphanage is solved," she said, "C'mon guys, let's go investigate the Davinters."

  


In a rundown apartment complex the party was attacked by some scummy foreigners. As Odette looked over some suspicious papers one had dropped about shipments and stuff ZEV! was like, "I have heard you have taken another..."

"Um you do know we never actually slept together right ZEV!? You know I don't actually like men like that right?"

"It is quite alright my lady. I did not belong to you nor you I. It was but a bit of fun no? I ask though that I hope we can remain friends."

Odette sighed and shrugged, "Yeah of course, since that's all we were anyway ZEV!"

"That is all I could ask for."

MINUS 11 POINTS FROM HUFFLEPUFF!!!

"Dudes something fishy is afoot at the warehouse. Let's check it out," Odette said.  And something fishy was afoot in the warehouse.  Odette was forced to pursued a bunch of dudes with BIGASS SWORD™, but finally they were face to face with the last boss of the level, a bald guy with furry shoulders and a weird neck brace.  He was all Snidley Whiplashing his mustache and being like, "MWAHAHA I'm selling these elfs as slaves...yet I am giving you a choice to help me...much like that douchebag in a bubble in the Tower of Wizard Shit the choice of helping me is clearly the wrong one.  So what say you?"

"I SAY 'FUCK YOU SCUMBAG!!!'"

FIGHT IT OUT!!!

The guy with furry shoulders was on the ground.  Dude's shit was all fucked up.  "Please...let me go...if you do I'll use these stupid elves to make you more mighty.  I will kill them and you'll gain their strength."

"THAT'S BLOOD MAGIC!" Winnie Cooper said and then did the Marge Simpson groan of disapproval.

"Yes I know," Odette said, "Thank you for stating the obvious Winnie Cooper.  Anyway dude, the last time I decided to use blood magic to solve a problem Brodude Heroman totally flipped the fuck out and things have not yet been smoothed over.  Also in that case it was a god damn titty demon...you're just a guy with furry shoulders who's already bleeding out all over the god damn floor.  I think I'll once more reiterate my earlier, 'FUCK YOU'"

FIGHT IT OUT 2: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO!!!!

"Pshew that was good fighting," Odette said as Leliana and ZEV! bickered over who got to steal what items.  While they bickered an old man elf was like, "Hey Dudes, thanks for rescuing me.  Let's go for a burger..... HA! HA! HA! HA!"

"Okay guy.  We just gotta steal this shit first."

Back out in the alienage Odette spoke to the angry lady elf.  She was like, "Thanks guys everything will be cool again now that the mayor's safe."

The mayor was like, "Man Duncan was the best...you totally remind me of him...here's a Duncan knife.  Peace out guys!"

And so the crisis in the alienage was resolved with much swordplay and the party returned to Earl Redcliffe's bungalow.  Back at the bungalow Brodude approached Odette and was like, "I just saw Queen Amidala and she was sizing me up like a cow for slaughter and mumbling something about me looking so much like Caitlin.  What's up with that?  Did you say something to her about marriage?  Awwwww you did didn't you?  WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?  Did you get hit in the head or something?"

"Look dude, it's probably the best bet for the entire country if you two get married.  She knows her shit...you've got the blood...you're both single...what's the problem?"

"Oh you're probably right.  Okay.  I'll marry her.  You can tell her."

"Fine whatever dude.  Hey...I met a templar today and he was showing me some templaring shit but he kind of got pitchforked...8.9...BEST NEW MUSIC! before he could teach me everything.  I was wondering if maybe you could show me some of the more advanced shit."

"I already told you I wouldn't...the answer's still no."

"Asshole..."

Odette told the Queen that Brodude would marry her but also warned that he's kind of a stubborn dick and that he really really holds a grudge.  Queen Amidala was all like, "Okay boss thanks for the heads up," and then Odette went to go talk to Earl.

Earl was all like, "Yo sup dawg?"

"We went down to the alienage.  Logain was involved in trading slaves to Davinter wherever that is.  Didn't Davinter stop being a place?  I thought I killed ghost Davinters in that wolfmang forest.  Anyway I'm tired as fuck and going to go to sleep now okay?"

"Sure, but be ready...tomorrow will be the Kingsmoot and we need you to present what you've discovered if Brodude's going to win."

"Okay."

Odette was at the Kingsmoot.  She had just convinced the horrible woman that Logain was the worst and was now totally ripping Logain a new asshole with all the evidence she'd collected.  Everyone was totally against Logain and he challenged her to a duel.  Sucked to be him.  He got owned like a chump.  You don't step to BIGASS SWORD™ and live to tell the tale.  Everyone was screaming, "KILL 'IM!!!!" but then Grey Warden #3 came in and was like, "Hold up!  We can totally make Logain into a Grey Warden.  There are only three of us in the entire country right now."

"That's pretty reasonable," Odette said, "Like taking the Black in Game of Thrones?"

"Yup."

"Okay let's do that."

"ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!" Brodude shouted, "IF WE LET HIM BE A GREY WARDEN IT WOULD BE A MOCKERY OF THE ENTIRE THING!  BEING A WARDEN IS A PRIVILEGE NOT A PUNISHMENT!"

"I dunno guy Ser Dad and Scuzzy McTwoSwords weren't too into it.  I know I got pressed into it because a guy saved my life.  Seems kind of like a punishment to me."

"IF HE JOINS I WANT NO PART OF IT!"

"Fine...he joins."

"FINE!  THEN I DON'T WANT TO BE KING ANYMORE!" Brodude pouted like a spoiled child.

"Okay...Amidala can be queen then."

"I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU WOULD DO THIS TO ME!!!  I'M LEAVING!"

"No, it's not so simple Brodude," Queen Amidala began, "I can't very well let you leave here.  So long as you live people could rally to your name.  There would be continued strife.  Execution. That is the only way."

"WHAT YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS!"

"Ug...finally.  Off with his head."

"I HATE YOU ODETTE!  I HATE YOU!!!" Brodude screamed as guards dragged him away.

Logain smirked a smarmy smirk at her and was like, "It will be a pleasure to travel with you..."

Odette sat bolt upright in her bed, sweat pouring down her face.  Leliana opened her eyes and asked, "What's wrong my love?"

"I had the most fucked up dream ever.  We executed Brodude at the Kingsmoot and Logain joined our Fellowship.  It was awful."

"My sweet Odette, I know you and Brodude do not really like each other, but I do not think you capable of killing him."

"I was talking more about Logain joining our party."

Leliana sighed and continued, "Anyway it was just a dream, please get some rest.  We must depart for the Kingsmoot in a few hours.  Have you given it any thought as to who will accompany you?"

"I have to take Brodude, so I will need people I can trust as well.  I was hoping you would accompany me Leliana," Odette said.

"Awwww...you're so sweet."

"And for my fourth, someone who's been with me since the beginning...Doug the Dog!"

That morning the party set off for the Kingsmoot and upon their arrival they were confronted by the horrible woman.  "No!" Odette thought as the horrible woman admitted to being horrible and let Odette pass, "This is exactly how it went in my dream.  I gotta be extra careful or I'll end up with a goddamn pissdrinker in my crew.  i can't abide by that!"

Inside the hall she tore Logain a new asshole and then installed a second even smaller new asshole within that first new asshole, leaving the greasy piss drinking motherfucker with three fully functional assholes.  The Kingsmoot again voted to stand for Brodude.  More of her dream was coming to be.  Odette needed to do something different...something to try and prevent Logain from joining her party.  The duel!  She would not duel Logain herself...she would select a champion.

"Will you face me yourself, or have you a champion?" Logain asked sneeringly.

"My mabari will be my champion!" Odette declared triumphantly.

Doug barked happily and steeled himself for the duel, but Earl Redcliffe did a facepalm of Piccardian proportions and was like, "Ah, Warden... No. I'm afraid we can't leave the fate of all Ferelden up to your dog. Anyone with a leftover ham bone could buy his allegiance. Choose someone else."

Odette in a fit of annoyed angry yelled, "Fine!  I'll do it myself!  Dammit...can I change and have Brodude fight you instead?"

"Nope, no take-backs.  You said you would face me Warden...so face me!"

The duel went precisely as it had gone in her dream with Logain getting totally owned, and as it had happened in the dream, Grey Warden #3 came rushing in and was like, "WE CAN MAKE HIM ONE OF US!"  Odette's mind seemed clouded...it was a good idea.  A logical idea.  Let Logain become a warden...throw him at the dark spawn and let him spend his days fighting them until he died...but no!  Terrible things would happen.  He would not truly pay for his crimes...Brodude would die, and worst of all Logain would be in her camp with his greasy stringy hair leering at her and thinking about drinking her piss.  She couldn't do it.

"No.  He has to die."

"Very well.  I accept my death," Logain said, "Who shall carry out my sentence?"

"I'll do it..." Odette said.

Brodude gave her a head nod the seemed to say, "Much respect brah," as Odette totally cut off a dude's head while his daughter watched.

Earl Redcliffe was then like, "Yo dudes we can't let both of these two playas rule.  We gotta pick one!  Odette you killed the last ruler, so I guess it's up to you to pick which of these two playas rules from here on out yo!"

"Wait guy...I thought they were going to get married!  I went out and found tomes so I could coerce Brodude into agreeing to it!  You are not really pulling this shit on me are you?"

"Pick one!"

"Fuck.  Well can I talk to them first?"

"Whatever."

"Brodude what do ya think big guy?  You wanna be king?"

"I dunno do I?  Maybe?  I think so?  Maybe she'd be a better king."

"Queen Amidala, how about you?"

"I've been ruling for the past five years.  I know these people and know the problems they face."

"Okay."

Earl was like, "You made up your mind yet homie?"

"Yes."

"Annnnnnd?"

"Brodude and the Queen will get married?"

"Okay...that's cool."

"What the fuck dude?  Why couldn't you let them do that after I cut off that guy's head?  They both were surprised about you being 'Nope...pick a choice!' since they already planned to get hitched if this went down."

Earl Redcliffe was all like, "Psyyyyyyyche!" like a total asshole and then Brodude gave a shitty speech about the final battle and asked Odette to lead the troops.

"It's my honor my liege..."

NEXT TIME ON DRAGON AGE ORIGINS!!!!: It's the television event of the season as Odette and her companions finally face the Archdemon in a special two hour season finale of Dragon Age Origins.  Tune in to see who lives and who dies in an event TV Guide called, "The most balla shit on TV today!"


	21. Dragon Age - S01E21 - The Final Battle!

Odette and her fellows arrived in Redcliffe, prepared to meet the armies and march off into battle against the horde of darkspawn, but were instead met by a farmer guy with a shirt that looked like "Authentic Native American Handcrafts" that a white lady might buy at the gift shop, named "GIFT SHOP" in some shitty dying mall on the outskirts of town.

"Sup dawg?" Odette asked.

The farmer with the Authentic Native American Handcraft shirt was like, "Homies some bad shit's going down! There's darkspawn all up in this piece."

"What the F? Darkspawn?! Here?! Where are all the peoples?" Odette shouted.

"Dudes hauled ass to the castle. I thought I could get back to my ramshackle shack and get my hat before shit went down, but alas...I could not. It's really a shame too...it was a really cool hat."

"Alright guy...we'll take care of this, you just get out of here, though I don't really know where you could go. Lothering's pretty much fucked...and that Golemtown, USA is completely devoid of people...um....there's the mage tower, but that's kind of a haul...or Denerim, but that's even further. Anyway, good luck dude."

Odette, Doug the Dog, Brodude Heroman, and Winnie Cooper fought their way into Redcliffe Castle. At the gates of the castle there were even more darkspawn. Doug the Dog was an epic hero and took down some kind of giant-sized man thing that stormed the gates and the day was won. A mustache guard was all like, "Yo Grey Warden you totally saved the day. Thanks Broseph...Earl Redcliffe's inside and totally wants to talk to you. He told us to keep a look out for you."

"Alright guy...hold the gates okay."

"Yes sir!"

Odette made her way to Earl Redcliffe's castle and wondered why everyone always thought she was a dude. It must have been the plate mail. Inside the palace Earl Redcliffe was chilling hard with Grey Warden #3 and Lord Bann of the One Braid.

"Sup homies?" Earl bellowed as Odette and her companions crossed the main hall, "I got some hella bad news dudes. Grey Warden #3 found out that the darkspawn here were just a diversionary force. The bulk of the army is heading to Denerim."

"Shit!  For real? We just hauled ass out of there to get here!" Odette said, "Can we get the armies back there in time to do anything?"

"We'll be ready to march at first light...if we do powerwalk like old men in a mall we can be there in a couple days. If the guardsmen of Denerim can hold we might be able to catch the darkspawn in a pincer attack and crush 'em all," Earl Redcliffe said.

"Ok cool...let's do that," Odette replied.

"Cool, now homies you're gonna need some rest so go chill," Earl Redcliffe replied, "We set out at first light."

Grey Warden #3 was like, "Umm...Odette...Brodude, I need to talk with you before you go to bed alright?"

"Yeah sure...let's go chat."

Upstairs, Grey Warden #3 was like, "Do you dudes know why it has to be a Grey Warden that kills an archdemon?"

Brodude and Odette both shrugged and mumbled, "Something about a taint?"

"That's right! When and archdemon dies, it's soul goes into the body of the nearest darkspawn. Since darkspawn don't have souls of their own this pretty much makes the archdemon immortal. If a Grey Warden makes the killing blow, the archdemon will attempt to send its soul into the body of the Warden, but since the warden has a soul of their own this will destroy the archdemon...and also the warden."

"DUDE ARE YOU FOR REAL?!" Brodude shouted.

For once Odette felt a kinship with him. Had Winnie Cooper not already discussed the how and the why of Odette's imminent death in an attempt to make her break up with Leliana shortly after Winnie Cooper joined the strike force, Odette probably would have been shouting alongside Brodude. "How do we pick who does it?" she asked.

"Traditionally the eldest Warden would be chosen, so I shall attempt to make the killing blow as even if I survive this battle, I've spent too much time tainted and my remaining time is minimal," Grey Warden #3 replied, "But as there are but three of us, it is quite possible that I may fall...or that one of you will find yourselves in a better position to kill the fiend then I. I know this is a heavy burden to lay upon your shoulders which is perhaps why Duncan had not yet told you, but there it is. To defeat this demon, one of us must die."

"Dude....that sucks," Brodude said.

"I know," replied Grey Warden #3, "But please try to get some rest. We have a long couple day ahead of us, and this may be the last chance either of you have to sleep in a real bed."

Odette walked into her room and found Sideboob lurking there within. "Is there something you wanted to talk about Sideboob?"

"There is. What if I told you there was a way by which none of you; Brodude, Grey Warden #3, or yourself, need perish and yet still be able to defeat the archdemon?"

"I'd tell you that, that sounds pretty good, and ask how would we go about doing this."

"A magic ritual. I will lay with Brodude and get with child tonight and then when the archdemon is slain its soul would enter the unborn child rather than you or a hurlock or anything else."

"Wait what? You want to hump Brodude, get knocked up and then let the demon taint kill the unborn child?"

"The child would not be harmed in the slightest. He would be joined with the soul of an old god free of the taint and would live, as would you all."

Odette scratched her chin, "This seems too good to be true. This child, why do you want him or her?"

"My reasons are my own, but all you need know is that there are some things in this world that are worth preserving. I am of the mind that the soul of an old god is one of them."

"Alright, I'm game for this, but why Brodude? Grey Warden #3 seems a lot more pragmatic. You know how Brodude can be. I mean hell, you're telling this plan to me rather than asking him directly."

"Grey Warden #3 would not work for he has been tainted far too long. Had you been a gentleman you would have been the most ideal candidate since you have spent even less time tainted than even Brodude, but as it stands he is the only option."

"Shit...I guess I gotta convince him to do this," Odette said, "He's going to ask about the kid you know."

"He would never see it. In fact when this is all over I would like to never see any of you again...no hard feelings of course."

"Of course," Odette replied, "Do you think he's even ever done it before?"

"Perhaps not...I suppose this could kill two birds with a single stone and prepare the poor fellow for his upcoming wedding night, providing he survives the battle to come."

Odette giggled and then headed to Brodude's room. He was pacing back and forth in his room nervously. "I still can't believe I'm a king. People are all looking at me differently now like I'm a king or something. I saw Sideboob lurking in the halls a moment ago and she gave me a dirty look that was dirtier than her usual dirty looks."

"Yeah about that...we need to talk dude."

"Sure what's on your mind...and this better not be about being a Templar."

"Nah man, what if I told you there was a way to kill the archdemon without any of us dying?"

"What's the catch..."

"There's a magic ritual."

"What sort of magic ritual?"

"Well...you and Sideboob would need to hump and form a baby."

"Form a baby?! With Sideboob?!"

"Dude, chill...I know. Hell, if I was a guy I'd have done it...pretty willingly too I might add, but I can't...and Grey Warden #3 can't because he's too old and can't get it up anymore or something. Dude you're the only one. Beside humping Sideboob wouldn't be the worst thing in the world."

"What's that suppose to mean?"

"I mean she's hot dude. I wanted to do her before she told me she was straight."

"What about this baby?"

"She says you'd never have to see them."

"Oh sure, at least not until he shows up with an army trying to take over my kingdom."

"It could be a girl...not that that would really prevent the entire hostile takeover thing you're worried about...anyway dude I know it's kind of a lot to think about, but if it has even the slightest chance of saving us wouldn't you want to at least try it?"

"Alright...I'll do it. I'll hump Sideboob."

And thus the most awkward sex scene in the history of all of Feldspar did transpire as a Knight Templar and King of all Feldspar and clueless virgin did lay with Sideboob McWitch, a vile witch of the wilds in the bed of the last surviving member of the Corvette noble family, a tri-ponytailed lesbian warrior by the name of Odette. Whether or not Odette watched the ritual seated in the corner like a sad cuckold in a polo shirt historians do not record, but the great scholar Dougvitius MII does write of the event, "And lo, the Witch of the Wild did dance and sway not unlike famed bard, Axl Rose before joining giblets with the half-blood prince."

NEXT TIME ON DRAGON AGE ORIGNS!!!!: REALLY THE FINAL BATTLE FOR REAL! WE'RE NOT EVEN JOKING AROUND ANYMORE GUYS!!!


	22. Dragon Age - S01E22 - Season Finale

Before them Denerim lay a burning wreck. Darkspawn could be heard telling "Yo mama," jokes and calling each of the poor beset upon citizens of Denerim uncouth names. Some of the soldiers marching with Odette toward the city were visibly afraid and she was certain she heard at least one bowman declare, "I don't wanna be called fartknocker...is it too late to go back?" The situation was a lot more dire than she'd thought it would be. At that moment Brodude stepped up to the plate and delivered a rousing speech in which he gave Odette mad props and much love. He capped off his speech by bellowing something about land and freedom, but Odette really wasn't paying attention for she was talking to Doug the Dog.

"Now Doug when we try to take the gate," she said, "I want you to stay near Leliana."

Doug barked.

"No, I can take care of myself...I want you to keep her safe you hear me?"

Doug barked again in the affirmative as Brodude finished his speech and men and women began banging the spears on their shields and doing that "Woo Woo Woo!" thing that the audience used to do during the Arsenio Hall Show. Brodude bellowed, "TO BATTLE!!!" and the army surged forward. Almost instantly Odette found herself separated from Leliana.

"Keep her safe Doug!" she shouted as the army pressed forward.

In the fog of war Odette could scarcely tell friend from foe, but soon found herself alongside Slate or Shale or whatever that Rockman that was actually a Rockwoman was named and a couple of dudes who must have come from Redcliffe. After a few minutes or hours or maybe even days...it was so hard to tell how much time had passed...it became clear that the alliance of men, wizards, elfs, dwarves, lesbians, Doug the Dog, a Rockwoman, and maybe a breakdance crew had won the day and now controlled the city gates.

Grey Warden #3 step up to the plate and was like, "We hold the gate now but we need to stop that archdemon. I'm going to hunt it down. Odette you and Brodude should also look for it. My spidey-sense also tells me there are some Generals out and about. You might want to kill them, because the last boss will be harder if you don't but it's going to take time and man power...and those are two things we are pretty short on. Anyway pick no more than three dudes to accompany you because a bigger party will attract attention...but once you're doing various levels on this last stage you can totally deploy dwarf armies to help you fight...thus making my last statement a total lie. Anyway the other dudes can stay here and hold the gate. Who you going to pick?"

"Well you told me to take Brodude, so him I guess...and Leliana because I love her and also she can open treasure boxes, and last but not least Winnie Cooper for heals."

"A solid crew pack," Warden #3 said, "Who's in charge of the gatekeepers?"

"Um...Sten. He was a general or something so he can probably do a good job here with the b-team."

"Sounds good," said Warden #3, "Anyway I'm off like ZEV!'s skirt!" He hit the bricks and there was a touching parade of party members offering up words of encouragement to Odette. Sideboob was like, "After all I did...humping Brodude, you're leaving me behind with Sten, a rockwoman, and your dog?"

Odette shrugged and was like, "It wouldn't be a good idea to take you in your delicate condition," to which Sideboob replied with a Mrs. Krappabel-esque "Ha!"

The final person to speak with Odette was of course her beloved Leliana.  Leliana was all thankful to the Maker for meeting Odette and Odette was like, "I'm a lucky lady to have met you...I can't do this without you by my side." It was super touching and Occam the dwarf and others probably cried a little bit. Fighting inside the city was gross. There were heaps of yellow darkspawns all over the place and disgusting ogres and shit but Odette had a BIGASS SWORD™ that utterly wrecked the darkspawns' shit. They bested a General in the Market Place. He dropped a sweet helmet that matched the rest of Odette's armor...something that's very important. With their work done in the Market Place it was on to the Alienage.

There were a bunch of darkspawn behind a gate that no one in Odette's team could open. One of the darkspawn did some wizard shit through the gate and knocked Brodude the fuck out. Usually when Brodude gets knocked the fuck out Odette is pretty quick to point and laugh and the first to tell Brodude after the fight, "You suck dude," but this time it was some cheapass bullshit that killed him. I mean he couldn't even shoot an arrow or anything at that Hurlok doing wizard shit.

Anyway the gates broke and it was more gross fighting in a narrow alleyway. Elven archers were there and shooting shitty not-orc wizards. Another General dropped like 74 heaps of shit in a 18.23984 heap shit-sack. Victory was once again secured. As they crossed a bridge, the Archdemon showed up and blew up the bridge behind them. There was no going back.

Meanwhile at the gates Sten, Occam, Dog, Sideboob, Shale, and ZEV! wrecked house oh some shitty low level not-orcs and not-goblins. Sten was particularly rockin' and chopped up many foemens with the hand-me-down SWEETASS GIANT AXE®. It got the job done and the gate was once again secure.

Warden #3 was hot on the archdemon's trail. He did some awesome action movie shit where he jumped off a tower onto the archdemon's back and slashed his wings up, but then Warden #3 fell a bajillion feet to his death and the archdemon crashed into a tower somewhere and screamed.

Back in the palace district things were out of control...bagwise. There was so much Vedderian chainmail and Darkspawn Maces and shit that Odette simply could not pick up, but then she realized she had a treasure map and a bone that could be given as gifts. Leliana already would let her do buttstuff, so such gifts would be wasted upon her, and Winnie Cooper (though not into assplay or anything) was equally fond of Odette, so she handed them to Brodude..."Here you go mang...you're really doing an okay job out here today."

"Thank you these are perfect."

"Yeah whatever...I'm just trying to loot this corpse."

"What do you need?"

"Ummm...how about teaching me how to be a templar?"

"I guess if I'm going to give up Chantry secrets I might as well go all the way..."

"HOLY SHIT GUY...DID YOU JUST TEACH ME HOW TO BE A TEMPLAR?!"

"I guess I did..."

"Dude...."

"Dude."

"I'm sorry for all the shitty things I said about you and did to you."

"I'm sorry I was such a pain in the ass in camp and a douchebag who got pissed off at everything you did."

Winnie Cooper cleared her throat and said, "Those wizards you summoned to fight here are in trouble...now I know you might not care so much, but I've taught the vast majority of those wizards Quiddich and Defense Against the Dark Arts and I'd rather they not all be slaughtered by Ogres while you two hug and talk about feelings."

"Right right..."

BIGASS SWORD™!!!

The party soon found themselves within that prison Odette had busted out of a couple of episodes ago, only this time there were more darkspawn than you could shake a maraca at. So many darkspawn. Odette and company fought their way in until they came upon a most peculiar sight. In a storage room, surrounded by a sea of slain darkspawn was the bridge-dwarf, ENCHANTMENT! ENCHANTMENT! Enchantment! Enchantment! was a sight for sore eyes and several minutes were spent selling him shitty loot and purchasing all the healing potions he had available. Enchantments were checked one last time and the party headed upstairs.

More fighting happened and treasures were stolen. The bulk of the treasure boxes were healing shit which made Odette extra nervous...any time there were crates and crates of healing shit about it meant the next battle was going to be a shit-volcano. The Maker had pretty good foresight. She and her fellows climbed up onto the roof abnd were confronted by a big ass archdemon. It was hella gross fighting. Brodude got laid out pretty quick. Her beloved Leliana was soon to follow. It didn't matter though...she and Winnie Cooper had beaten other dragons as a two pack before, but then Winnie Cooper got knocked the fuck out. Shit. She was all alone....

Suddenly there was a great trumpeting and a pile of dwarves rushed up onto the roof and started axing shit up. Odette was able to break free from the horde of darkspawn and found a ballista. She aimed and fired! ~~And fired and fired and fired and fired and fired and fired and chugged a healing potion and fired and fired and fired and fired and killed some schlub darkspawn and fired and fired and fired and fired and fired and fired and fired...~~

The ~~last of the eight dozen bolts fired~~ single bolt from the ballista found it's target, blasting the archdemon right in the taint, totally wrecking is shit.  But it wasn't dead yet.  Odette grabbed some random sword (because she wouldn't have wanted to do what she was about to do with he BIGASS SWORD ™), ran and slid under the dying archdemon and cut him in half and then stabbed him in the head.  There was an explosion of beam and the remaining darkspawns totally got the hell out of Denerim.

VICTORY!!!!!!!!!

Afterwards Brodude and Queen Amidala got married, or maybe officially crowned king and queen...Odette didn't really know.  She did know that when Brodude tried to hold his wife's hand she pushed it away.  Odette thought about sending him a sad polo shirt as a wedding/coronation gift as it was quite clear he was going to get cuckolded before he was assassinated by his own demon baby.

After the marriage there was a party.  Odette told Brodude that she was going to be a Grey Warden forevah and he was cool with that.  She then went to talk to her friends.  Leliana was of course going to accompany Odette wherever she went.  ZEV! was also down for whatever the Grey Wardens had in store, but he didn't actually want to be a Grey Warden.  Occam was like, "Sod.  Sodding sod.  Maybe talk to me in a month.  Sod sod sod..."  Sten said more to Odette in the last two minutes than he had the entire time she'd known him, telling her about parties in Quan that turn into executions and wondering where the cake was before declaring the cake to be a lie.  Winnie Cooper was going to stay with Brodude because he was an idiot.  Shale was no where to be seen.  Earl Redcliffe was also going to stay with Brodude because he was an idiot.

Perhaps the most surprising guest was Odette's older brother.  He and Jon Snuhhh's Uncle Benjen were there and told about how they got beat down while ranging and taken in by wildlings but later escape, be didn't get back in time to fight at Denerim.  She told him she was glad to see him alive and also that she totally fucked Howe up for the shit he'd done.  It was touching.

With her friends adequately conversed with, Odette stepped out of the banquet hall to wave at the general public....  
  
  
  
And so ended Odette's adventures against the darkspawn...or did they?  
  
  
  
END CREDITS WITH SOME KIND OF SHITROCK MUSIC BLASTING!!!!


End file.
